After the battle in the coliseum with the two Gerendel, I was allowed back to my room.
I took off my battle leathers and headed to the shower after using my new ability to seal the door. Oren had used it several times, but I hadn’t remembered its name. Then I remembered my mother teaching me about some of the more common abilities, and this one I’d gained was called Aegisseal.
If I closed my eyes, I could recall just how she sounded, her beloved voice echoing in my mind:“Aegisseal is the act of sealing with protective force, or creating an impenetrable barrier that not only closes but safeguards what lies within.”
Unfortunately, the duration depends on the wielder’s strength, and mine was uncertain at the moment. It wasn’t only my body that was tired; my spirit was too.
I took a quick shower, carefully avoiding glancing in the small mirror above the sink, then collapsed onto my bed and buried my face in the pillow. I swear I could still smell Nathan’s scent. The terrible, no-good assholes in charge here made sure I knew this was his room.
They believed it would hurt me to learn this.
They were mistaken.
Knowing I lay my head at night exactly where Nathan’s had lain brought me comfort instead of the pain it was meant to cause. It was the only comfort I was likely to get. Every day, I faced some form of torture, whether physical or mental. It all depended on Selene’s mood and, in some cases, the Brummond himself.
I sighed. No matter how intense the physical pain was, it couldn’t compare to the mental torture. That was the most challenging part to deal with. Knowing my dad had made it through this hell was one of the things that kept me going. There was no way I’d shame him by letting these evil bastards break me.
Fighting in the coliseum was another way I released some of the poison from my soul. Without that outlet, I would be much closer to breaking. If Ubel or Selene knew how much I needed to fight, they’d see to it that I never entered another battle.
One of the most essential skills I learned for my survival was to compartmentalize. I had to mentally pack certain experiences into boxes, some sealed and wrapped in orange caution tape with "DO NOT OPEN" written on top. Those would never be unpacked. I wouldn’t give my tormentors the satisfaction of revisiting those experiences, nor would I allow my Faction to be tortured by discovering what was done to me.
Selene was a demon from hell.
Her preferred form of mental torture was to tell stories about what happened to my dad in her tender care, and her plans for my mother and Faction when the DF captured them. I couldn’t eventhinkabout the things she’d described, or I’d never stop screaming—those were kept in a few of the caution tape boxes.
Sometimes, she was in the mood to torture me physically. You’d think that would be what I hated most, but in those moments, I’d managed to let myself drift away; sometimes I was with one of my Faction, and in others, I was safe at home withmy parents. I preferred it over listening to her talk about how she was going to dispose of the people I loved.
I had no idea how I would regain what I’d lost here.
I sighed, then got up and dressed in a clean pair of pants and a shirt. It was late, but I knew the dining hall would still be serving food for a few more hours. Pulling on my boots, I made sure to tuck my knife inside. I’d learned quickly that danger lurks around every corner here. It was highly frowned upon for me to defend myself—Selene had made that clear in several of her sessions, but old habits die hard, and I was determined to survive this place.
Dead bodies couldn’t tell tales.
I braided my hair tightly against my scalp from memory. I’d cut it off if I thought I could get away with it. It had been used against me too many times to count. I couldn’t bear to look at my reflection anymore. The scar on the side of my forehead was still ugly and red, bringing back memories I couldn’t handle right now.
On the bright side, since I had arrived, I’d acquired several new abilities. I thought all that I had gained while at Emberhold would fade because of the separation from my Faction. To my surprise, the opposite happened. I actually continued to gain abilities as the months went on, and I wondered if my Faction had experienced this, too.
I needed to keep this hidden from Selene and Ubel at all costs. She liked to take me to her apartment and torture me at least a couple of times a week. Not defending myself was beyond difficult, but I knew even with the new abilities, I was nowhere near as strong as she was…yet.
The loss of Beatrice had left her more unhinged than ever, according to the few acquaintances I’d made since arriving here. I used the word “acquaintance” because no one wanted to bea friend. Most were too afraid to associate with me, worried it would draw her attention.
The isolation didn’t help me acclimate to this new world; I’m sure that was Selene’s intent. Of course, she wasn’t my only tormentor.
If Selene were a demon, then Ubel Brummond was Lucifer himself.
I never forgot the sadistic bastard was Selene’s boss. He allowed everything that was done to me. Ubel also enjoyed keeping me informed about what the guys were doing, apparently having spies deep inside Emberhold. He tried convincing me they’d moved on and found another Nexus, hoping to bring me to tears.
Of course, he was unaware that our bonds hadn’t weakened. Aside from losing our ability to communicate, I could still feel their grief and rage at my absence. I had no doubt they were doing everything they could to find me.
I couldn’t doubt their love and devotion to me—that would be the one thing that might break me.
Leaving the room, I headed to the dining hall to eat. It was hard to get anything down, but I had no choice. Keeping up my strength was paramount to surviving.
It helped to imagine Zeke’s voice,“Eat my Treasure, I need you healthy.”
I’d gotten good at pretending what each one of my men would say to encourage me, and “heard” their voice at the time it was most needed.
It helped me do what I needed to do to survive and not just give up.
