“Your sketches.”
“Mydoodles?”
He nods slowly.“They’re amazing.”
Is he crazy?No one has ever told me my doodles are good, not that I flash them around or anything.Gen likes them, but she also thinks vampire romances are literature and sings along to “Islands in the Stream.”Her tastes are dubious.She’s not a reliable source.
Jaeger picks up a twig from the ground and twists it between his fingers.“I thought skiing and the Olympics were everything I wanted in life.That skiing was the only thing I could do.When it all fell away, I thought I had nothing left.My knee was jacked from tearing it too many times and my long-term girlfriend broke up with me.The girlfriend thing turned out for the best, but—” He looks up.“I know what it’s like to get dumped in life.I understand the doubts that go through your head.Believe me when I say that your ex was an idiot who didn’t know what he had.”
Those words are easier to believe about someone else.Why any girl would let Jaeger go baffles me.I can’t imagine giving him up.I can barely take my eyes off him.“The girl you were with?She broke up with you after your accident?”
“We were together in high school and our first year of college.She broke up with me when I was in the hospital.”
My throat tightens.It happened a long time ago, but I’m angry for him.“That’s horrible,” I finally manage.
He smirks.“Sort of, but she wasn’t the person I thought she was.I should have ended it long before that.”
Hmm.A curious statement.I want to know more, but I won’t push.
“I wish I’d done things differently back then.In fact, after I realized I couldn’t ski anymore… You remember me telling you about those years?—”
“When you were a man-whore.”
He smiles, his eyes crinkling.“When I was a man-whore.”Then his face sobers.“It was a stupid, immature reaction to the chaos in my life.In comparison, you’ve handled what you’ve been dealt with really well.Better than I did.”
I pick at a weed in front of me.“I haven’t gone out every night looking for hookups.”
The corner of his mouth quirks.“Maybe, but that’s not my point.You’re a good friend, Cali.You look out for Gen.I’ve seen you with your brother and the bond you share.You’re a hard worker or you wouldn’t have gotten into law school… and I remember you when we were younger.You’ve always been feisty, with an underlying sweetness.”He shifts on the rock, planting his feet more firmly on the ground.“I had a crush on you back then,” he says faintly, looking out at the water.
My mouth gapes and I stare at him.
After a moment, he glances over and smiles at what I’m assuming is my stunned expression.“It’s not something I admitted to myself back then.I was young and stupid.I thought I was in love with Kate—or at least, that I needed her.I’m not sure now.”He shakes his head.“I was training nonstop.I glossed over things with her that I shouldn’t have.I didn’t trust my instincts.The more I get to know you, the more I realize you’re everything I wanted and still want.I know you’re going through a hard time, and believe me, I’m trying to give you space, but it’s difficult.I want to be with you.”
I stop breathing for a moment, my head spinning.I figured he liked me.I wondered to what degree, with all the wooing.I never imagined his interest stemmed from as far back as high school—when I had my own little crush on the younger version of Jaeger.“What are you saying?”
His gaze shifts to the ground, then out at the water.“Just that I’m here.I’m not going anywhere.”He looks back.“No matter what direction your life takes.Things feel messed up, but you’ll pull through this, and you’ll have me.”
As much as that statement comforts, I can’t help but wonder… why?My life’s a wreck.I can’t handle not knowing where I’m headed.I need to know, or I can’t see a future with Jaeger or anyone.
God, I sound like a guy, needing financial security before I can commit.But I was raised differently.My mom taught my brother and me to be independent and to provide for ourselves instead of relying on others.I can’t simply wipe that program from my head.I have to figure out what I’m doing before I make promises.But I also don’t want to lose Jaeger.
No more serious talks about the future or feelings come up during the rest of our hike, which is a relief.I need time to process everything.Jaeger holds my hand as we check out a small mountain chapel nestled off the trail, but he doesn’t kiss me.That doesn’t stop me from drooling every time he lunges over a boulder near the cascades, his shorts straining against his perfect ass.The degree to which I lust after him is embarrassing.
He drops me off at my house after the hike and pecks me on the cheek.The gesture is friendly and platonic, and not at all in line with his earlier words.Is he giving me space?
Jaeger said he’d stand by me no matter what I decide, but the only logical course is to plan for Cambridge.There are cheaper and closer programs, but I’d be a dumbass to pass up Harvard.Attending school there is what an independent, intelligent woman would do.I can’t stand this fragile, broken thing I’ve become.
It’s the only way I can get back to being myself.
ChapterNineteen
It’s been over an hour since Jaeger dropped me off and Gen hasn’t returned from lunch with Nessa.I check my phone for messages.Finding none, I open a new text, but stop typing at the sound of a car pulling into the driveway.
My eyes bulge.Gen is in the passenger side of a red Jeep in a heated conversation with Lewis from the beach barbecue.Mira’s boyfriend.
Where the heck is Gen’s car?
I can’t believe she’s with this guy.He’s the A-hole all over again.Is she intentionally trying to ruin her chance for happiness?
