I felt a flare of anger cut through my hurt. “Are you serious right now? You’re going to pretend we didn’t just have sex?”
Cole spun around and grabbed me by the collar, slamming me to the ground before I knew what happened. “Keep yourfuckingvoice down,” he hissed. “The others will hear you.”
“I don’t care if they hear me,” I snapped, though I did lower my voice. “You can’t just fuck me and then act like it never happened.”
Cole’s jaw clenched, a muscle twitching beneath his stubble. “It was a mistake. Heat of the moment. The cold, the storm... it messed with our heads.”
“Bullshit,” I challenged, stepping closer to him. “You told me you’ve wanted me for years. Was that a lie?”
He flinched like I’d struck him. “It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s wrong.”
“Wrong?” I shot back, refusing to back down. “What’s wrong is denying what we both want.”
His eyes darkened, that same storm I’d seen across the fire brewing in them again. “You don’t understand. This isn’t Seattle, Jesse. Men like... men who do what we did... they don’t get to just live normal lives out here.”
“I’m not asking for normal,” I said, my voice softer now. “I don’t even care if you don’t want me again. I just… I don’t want you to hate me, Cole.”
He glared at me, the grip on my shirt tightening for a moment before he let go. “I don’t hate you, Jesse,” he sighed. “I never have. No matter how much I try, I can’t seem to. Hating you would make this all so much easier.”
His words sliced through me as I stared back at him, his face half-hidden in the shadows of our tent. My chest tightened as I processed what he’d just said.
“Then what is it, Cole? If you don’t hate me, then what?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
He ran a hand through his hair, turning away from me again. “It’s complicated.”
“No shit it’s complicated,” I said, fighting to keep my voice down. “But we’re adults. We can figure this out.”
Cole sank down onto his sleeping bag, elbows on his knees, head in his hands. In the dim light filtering through the canvas, he looked exhausted, defeated.
“There’s nothing to figure out,” he muttered. “What happened today... it can’t happen again. Ever.”
I knelt in front of him, not touching him but close enough that he couldn’t ignore me. “Why? Because you’re afraid of what people might think? Or because you didn’t enjoy it?”
His head snapped up, eyes flashing. “You know damn well that’s not it.”
“Then tell me,” I pressed. “Help me understand why you’re pushing me away again.”
Cole’s eyes met mine, vulnerability bleeding through his usually stoic expression. “Because I can’t do this Jesse. I can’t be what you need from me.”
“What I need?” I repeated, confused.
“Are you really going to make me say it?” Cole growled, looking up at me with red eyes. “Are you going to make me say that I’m not good enough for you?”
“But you?—”
“Don’t!” he snapped, grabbing me by the shirt collar again and giving me a shake. Tears were flowing down his face now. “Don’t say I’m good enough for you, cuz I’m not! Up until three months ago, I was just like those guys that made fun of you in high school. I abandoned you when your mom died.” He pulled me closer, his breath playing over my lips. “And I’m yourstepbrother… there’s just some things that we can’t undo.”
I felt his grip on my shirt tighten, his knuckles brushing against my collarbone. His face was so close I could count each eyelash, see the tiny flecks of gold in his blue eyes. The tears streaming down his face shocked me more than his words. In all our years growing up together, I’d never once seen Cole Nelson cry.
“You’re not a bad person, Cole,” I whispered, resisting the urge to wipe away his tears. “And we’re not blood. We never were.”
“That doesn’t matter!” His voice cracked. “Your mother married my father. We lived as brothers. That’s how people see us.”
“Since when do you care what other people think?”
“Since always!” He released my shirt with a shove, turning away from me. “Just because I don’t show it doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. Every goddamn day, Jesse. Every day I feel their eyes on me, judging everything I do. If I didn’t do what people wanted… then this ranch would’ve gone under a long time ago.”
I sat back on my heels, watching him struggle to compose himself. This wasn’t the stoic, unbreakable Cole I thought I knew. This was someone else entirely… someone raw and vulnerable and terrified.
