“Then why won’t you even look at me, Cole?”
“Because I…” I faltered for a moment. “Because I’m afraid.”
“Of me?” he scoffed. “Why?”
I shook my head again, lowering my voice even further. “Of myself.”
Jesse’s expression softened, his eyes searching mine in the dim light of our tent. “Afraid of what, Cole?”
I could barely hear my own voice over the howling wind. “Of how I feel when I look at you.”
Chapter 13
Jesse
Silence.
“H-How do you feel about me?” I asked, my interest piqued. It was a strange choice of words for Cole. Why was he being so tense? And why was his heart still hammering in his chest? “Cole,” I said again softly. “Talk to me.”
“Nothing,” he muttered. “Forget it.”
“No,” I said, my voice suddenly firm. I placed a hand on his bare chest, right over his racing heart. “You don’t get to do that. Not again.”
His skin was hot to the touch, sweaty even. The man was burning up, and I didn’t understand why. What could he possibly say that I hadn’t heard before? He claimed he didn’t hate me, but what could be worse than that?
“You really want to know?” he asked, his voice rough. “You want to know why I can’t look at you? Why I’ve been avoiding you?”
I nodded, my eyes never leaving his face.
“Because every time I do, I remember things I’ve been trying to forget for fifteen years,” he admitted, the words coming out in a rush. “Things I shouldn’t feel. Things I shouldn’t want.”
I couldn’t help a small gasp as realization dawned on me. But no. That couldn’t be it. Could it?
“Cole,” I breathed. “Are you saying?—”
“Don’t,” he warned, suddenly panicking. “Just... don’t.”
But I didn’t back down. Instead, my hand moved from his chest to the side of his face, my thumb brushing against his stubbled jaw. It was a tender gesture that made him shudder.
“How long?” I asked softly.
He closed his eyes, unable to face me. “Since before you left.”
The confession hung in the air between us, heavy with years of denial and shame. I think he was waiting for disgust, for rejection, for me to pull away and demand to switch tents with someone else in the middle of a blizzard. Instead, I just let me forehead rest against his.
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
He let out a bitter laugh. “You were my stepbrother, Jesse. You still are. It was wrong then, and it’s wrong now. Besides, I’m not… I’m not… likeyou.”
“Not like me?” I repeated, my voice barely audible over the wind howling outside. “What are you saying, Cole? That you’re not gay?”
He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing in the dim light. “I don’t know what I am,” he admitted. “I’ve never... it’s only ever been...”
“Been what?” I pressed, my heart pounding so loudly I was sure he could hear it.
“You,” he whispered, the word hanging between us like a confession. “Only ever you.”
The realization hit me like a physical blow. All these years, all the tension between us, the anger, the distance… it wasn’t just about me leaving. It was about this. About feelings he couldn’t admit to himself, let alone to me. About how I hurt him without even knowing it.
