Suddenly, and without my permission, Cole and I had a lot more in common than I thought. But I still wasn’t ready to forgive him. Or Jack for that matter. Or even… my mother. This was all her fault, anyway. If she hadn’t died, then… then none of this would’ve happened.
Chapter 8
Cole
Iworked harder that day than I had in a long time. Maybe it was to stop the racing thoughts from driving me crazy. Or maybe it was to quiet the guilt threatening to bubble up and consume me.
Not for the first time in my life, I feltstupid. But this time, it was my own damn fault. And I felt even more dumb that I hadn’t put two and two together sooner.
I spent the day remembering how Jesse and his mother came into my life. I was a hurt kid, only twelve years old and still aching from the loss of my own mother. The day my dad brought home another woman and said she was going to be my new mom, I nearly pitched a fit right there. Not to mention, I was being forced to take on some snot-nosed kid as my younger brother. I got a talking to about how I needed to be a good role model and watch over him. But I didn’t want any of that.
I remember packing a bag that night and sneaking out of the house, determined to run away and join the circus or some confounded thing. Evelyn tried to stop me, but I slipped through her fingers and ran off into the darkness. I managed to walk all the way to town before someone caught up with me.
It was Sue, the woman who was supposed to be my new stepmother. She found me sitting on top of my bag at the corner of main street. And instead of sending my daddy in to beat the snot out of me, she just came over and sat down right there on the sidewalk, staring down the long road with me.
I remember telling her through tears I didn’t want a new mom, that I didn’t like her or her son, and that daddy didn’t need a new wife. And I told her I wouldn’t come home until she was gone.
She was quiet for a moment. Then, instead of telling me I was wrong, or that I was being childish, she told me how she’d lost her husband, Jesse’s father, to a car accident before Jesse was born. She told me she didn’t want to replace my mother, just like my daddy wouldn’t replace Jesse’s. But she thought, if they could have the chance, that the four of us might make a nice little family. And that it might even be a little…fun.
When I looked into Sue’s eyes that night, I didn’t see a woman trying to trick me or even a parent. I saw somebody who wanted to be myfriend. And that’s how she won me over. That, and a lot of stolen cookies from the owl-shaped jar in the kitchen.
Eventually I came to love her. So, when she got sick and withered away, it was like losing my own mother all over again. It hit Dad hard too, and he shut down. Just plain stopped working at all. I was old enough to know that the ranch would crumble without him, so I took up the mantle, using the work to ignore my broken heart. And I forgot all about Jesse in the process.
God, I was a fucking dickhead.
And then there were the feelings I had for him, the ones that Ishouldn’thave been having at all. At first I thought it was just appreciation. I thought Jesse was handsome, just like I’d admit that some of my friends were handsome. It was just a fact. Butthose feelings deepened, spread, and became almost impossible to ignore. And if I was beingtrulyhonest with myself, I didn’t pull away from Jesse because I was hurt. I pulled away because I wanted him and I knew I shouldn’t.
When he left, I thought they would go away. But there I was, fifteen years later, leaning against a fence as the sun went down, feeling the same way I did the day he left. And now I knew he was into men. I wanted so much to smother the embers glowing inside me where Jesse was concerned, but I couldn’t. No matter what I did, they wouldn’t go away.
Now we shared a bedroom wall and sometimes, late at night when I stared up at the ceiling unable to sleep, I swore I could hear his heart beat.
“Jesus Christ…” I muttered to myself, shaking my head. “Why can’t you just be normal, Cole Nelson? What the hell is wrong with you?”
There was no answer though. None that would set me free, anyway. For over a decade I’d been searching. I’d even tried hooking up with girls, guys, and anything else in-between. Nothing did it for me. Nothing made me forgethim.
The sun had set, the workday was over, and no amount of staring at the scenery was going to make me feel any better. So, like I always did, I put on a stoic face and headed back to the main house where Ihadto live now thanks to the stupid will.
I’d just set foot on the porch steps when I heard the shower running upstairs. Jesse must’ve finished his chores for the day too. Evelyn had already gone home for the night, something she’d started doing more often since Jesse moved in. It was almost like she was giving us space to sort our shit out. Fat chance of that.
The house felt different with him in it. Less empty, but somehow more hollow at the same time. Like it was reminding me of what I’d been missing all these years.
I kicked off my boots at the door, dropped my hat on the hook, and headed for the kitchen. My stomach growled as I pulled out the leftovers Evelyn had left in the fridge. I didn’t bother heating them up as I tore into a cold pork chop. I ate slowly, hoping Jesse would finish up and leave me some hot water for my own shower.
However, by the time I’d finished eating, the shower was still running. With a sigh I headed upstairs. Even after a month in this house, he still didn’t understand that the hot water tank was ancient and not that big. If he didn’t get out soon, I’d have to wait two hours before I could get some lukewarm water.
At the top of the stairs, I noticed the bathroom door was cracked open slightly, steam billowing out into the hallway. I walked up to it, meaning to knock and let him know that I wanted a shower too. But a flicker of movement made me pause.
Through the gap in the door, I could see Jesse plain as day through the glass shower door. His head was tilted back, sandy hair slicked against his skull as water cascaded down the hollow of his throat, over the sharp ridge of his collarbone, and across the flat plane of his chest. Steam clung to the glass, but through the clear streaks I could make out the lean muscles of his back tapering to a narrow waist, the dimples just above the curve of his ass, the way his shoulder blades shifted beneath his skin as he worked shampoo into a lather. A rivulet of water traced the line of his spine, disappearing between into the shadows where his thighs met.
When he turned around to rinse his hair, I had to clap my hand over my mouth to silence a gasp. There, hanging soft and heavy, was Jesse’s cock. My mouth went dry as heat rushed through me, pooling low in my gut. I knew I should look away, knew this was wrong on about fifty different levels, but I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe.
I’d never seen his cock before. I was surprised to see he was uncut. But I was far more surprised to see the metal ring plunging through the thick head of his dick. He was…pierced. I couldn’t help a groan as my own cock strained against my jeans painfully. I reached down, palming it through the denim in a desperate attempt to make it go away. But it only made things worse.
Jesse’s hand slid down his chest, following the trail of soap suds. I knew I should leave, knew I should walk away, but I stood frozen, my heart hammering against my ribs. My breath fogged the small gap in the door as I watched him rinse his body, his fingers trailing over his abs, down to his groin.
When he touched himself, wrapping his hand around his cock, I bit my lip hard enough to taste blood. The metal piercing glinted in the bathroom light as he stroked himself lazily, his head falling back against the shower wall. I could hear his breathing change, becoming deeper, more ragged.
That’s when his eyes suddenly opened, and I swear to God, they locked directly with mine through that tiny crack in the door.
