“Is he your boyfriend?” Warren pushed.
“You have had no interest in my life for the last five years, Warren. Why the hell would I bother telling you about it now?”
“That’s not fair, Wave.”
I glared at him. “Fair?”
“When you left-”
“When you abandoned me, you mean.”
“Wave, that’s not how it happened.”
“Oh really?” I reared back and turned to face him. He looked upset, but I had no intention of letting him get under my skin. Before I could say something I would regret, I shook my head and looked out of the window. Despite how I felt, he was still my brother and as much as I would love to hurt him for the way he’d let me go back then, I wouldn’t and couldn’t reciprocate.
“You think I was happy when you left?”
I ground my jaw to the point my teeth hurt. I didn’t like the pleading tone of his voice.
“You’re my sister, my twin, for fuck’s sake. If you think it didn’t hurt me as much as it hurt you, fuck, not seeing you these last five years has been hell, Wave.”
“You knew what to do if you felt that way,” I whispered, not looking at him.
He put his hand on my shoulder and for a second, I let the warmth of it remind me of when we were younger and inseparable. I hadn’t seen him since the day I left, and I got angry again. I’d been forgotten. They had the club, their brothers, friends, family. I walked out of there with nothing, and no one gave a single shit. Least of all my father.
“How do you think I knew where you were?” my brother asked me.
Hudson got up without a word and left the restaurant. Warren looked after him for a few seconds with a deep frown, then focused on me again.
“We knew where you were. It wasn’t hard to find you.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I ask him quietly, incredulous at this revelation.
When I responded to his many messages, after I’d settled into the dorm and college life, I thought I had made it away from them successfully. But they’d known the whole five years. He stared at me, identical eyes to mine. If I allowed myself to be honest about it, eyes I had missed every day of the five years I’d been gone.
“Probably not,” he sighed. “But I thought it was best to leave you to get on with your life. To do what you always wanted to do, college, a decent job, away from…”
“My family?” I say on a sigh. “The only people I cared about.”
“My hands were tied.”
“No one owns us,” I reminded him. “Isn’t that what we always said. Not dad, not the club, it was just us.” I looked back at where Hudson had disappeared. “The four of us. But it was never gonna end up that way, Warren. And deep down you all knew it. I was the idiot girl who thought my friends had my back, or that my brother would always be there for me. But you weren’t. You let him take you and you didn’t fight it.” I gulped, blinking to prevent the tears falling.
“We never meant to hurt you, Wave.”
“It was inevitable, Warren. It was the only way it would ever be. It took me a long time, but I got my shit together. I moved on, I made the bestof what I had. I worked hard, I got myself to where I am now, a degree, with a great job, a boyfriend I care about, friends, a home….” I looked away from him. He knew what this was doing to me.
“And again,” he carried on my train of thought. “We don’t care what you want, we’re barging in and making you leave,” Warren rubbed his eyes and turned to look through the window.
I tried to sniff quietly, but my nose and eyes were red from trying.
“It hasn’t been easy for me, you know. I have an obligation, I have… demands made of me.”
I looked at him, five years may have passed but it was more like an eternity in my brother’s eyes. He’d seen more than anyone his age should. Done things no man should have to do, all because of our father. But he had a choice. My anger surged again. I wouldn’t forget the first year after I left home, how hard it was, how distraught and alone I felt. I worked two jobs and a full load of college work, barely time to meet anyone.
In fact, I’d pushed people away because it wasn’t worth getting close to anyone. I didn’t want to let anyone in, I refused to allow anyone to make me feel the way my family did. I’d fed myself on sandwiches and leftovers at the end of the night from the restaurants I worked at. I’d been scared and lonely and heartbroken.
Warren took hold of my hand, and I snapped my head towards him, ready to pull back, tell him I don’t need this shit, his guilt or his excuses, the words died on my tongue. Like it or not, having Warren on my side was the only way to get through this. I gave his fingers the slightest squeeze.
