The silence stretched, and when I glanced up, it was to find Dr. Anna watching me with soft eyes. "Kel being one of the guys who Jason manipulated you into having group sex with?"
I bristled. "I consented to everything."
Dr. Anna gave me a gentle, patient smile as she set her notebook aside. "Maria, never mind the fact that you were fourteen years old and therefore unable to legally consent to sexual activities, but what Jason did and said to you was a clear case of love bombing and grooming. You shouldn't feel guilty and ashamed over what happened to you."
My brow pulled down. "What's love bombing? I've heard that phrase before."
Dr. Anna picked her notebook back up and placed it on her lap. "It's a manipulation tactic used to overwhelm their partners to ultimately control them."
"You think that's what Jason was doing?"
I didn't know why I was trying to defend Jason's actions. I was ashamed and disgusted at what I did to try and keep him interested. But worse was that I hadn't learned my lesson with him. The behavior kept repeating itself well into adulthood.
"You told me Jason was attentive, loving, and caring when you first met him."
At my slight nod, she continued.
"He called you constantly, took you on dates, introduced you to his friends. By all accounts, he was the perfect boyfriend."
"Yes."
Because what else could I say? Jasondiddo all those things, and fourteen-year-old starved-for-love me lapped it all up. That was why when he did a complete one-eighty on me, I was left dizzy from the abrupt change.
"And then he started pulling away, making you feel like you were a nuisance. Once you felt cut off, you did all you could to keep him interested, including submitting to his sexual demands, even though you were reluctant."
My spine straightened as my ears pricked. Dr. Anna's words hit a nerve. But not because I was thinking of Jason.
Brian had constantly called and texted me. He spoiled me with dates and thoughtful gifts. Only to tear it all away.
Had he been love-bombing me? Did he do all this in an attempt to have me agree to a sexual relationship with him, with no intention of pursuing a serious relationship? The thought was sobering and proved that I couldn't tell genuine interest from a calculated one.
"Let's switch gears," Dr. Anna suggested when she spied my pale face.
She flipped her page before scribbling something else down. She glanced at me, pushing her black-rimmed frames up her nose. "Where were your parents during all of this?"
My back straightened again, and I bit back a groan of annoyance. I knew the question would come, but it had me on edge all the same.
This was my second session with Dr. Anna Morris, and it was booked off the back of an emotional episode.
When I'd gotten home the night Brian asked me to enter a"purely sexual"relationship with him, I was hopping mad. I ripped open a bottle of wine and drank from the bottle in one sitting. My phone had been a hive of activity with desperate texts and calls from that asshole. All of which were ignored by me. I was sorely tempted to sink into bed and sob, but I refused to waste any tears on him.
When I woke the next morning, feeling like a dump truck on a hot summer's day, and came across his slew of messages, I knew I needed professional help.
Not because I was disappointed by how things turned out with Brian but because, for a brief moment, I was tempted.
How easy would it be for me to call Brian up, listen to his piss-poor excuses, forgive him, and succumb to his terms in order to keep him around? I'd done it countless times with other men,but the need to give Brian a second chance and to have sex with him was overpowering.
I really, really liked Brian. Well,hadliked him. I re-read his apology texts over and over, going over every moment we had together and why I hadn't seen the warning signs.
Brian:Maria, I'm so sorry to spring that on you that way. It wasn't how it was supposed to come out.
Brian:I really like you, Maria. I'm just going through some shit. Can we meet up to talk, please?
Brian:I'm an idiot. I'm sorry. Can we please talk in person?
I liked to think that I wasn't that naive girl anymore who accepted crumbs and excuses. Then Brian came along and whacked my confidence in staying strong. That's when I knew I needed help.
In my first session with Dr. Anna, we spent time getting to know each other. She asked what made me seek therapy, what my goals for my sessions were, and what I hoped to achieve. I immediately recoiled when she mentioned how important it was to explore my relationships with my family and upbringing. My mom took off so long ago that I barely remembered what she sounded like. And the time she was in my life was a hellhole of epic proportions. I hated discussing my childhood and saw no relevance to my current issues.
