"She canceled." Linda ambled in without invite and sat across from me, crossing her long legs. She indicated to my phone. "So?" she pressed. "Was that him?"
I rolled my lips in, attempting to keep the smile threatening my face from blooming. "Yes. And for the hundredth time, I didn't get laid."
"So you're still looking like that after one lunch? Like you're walking on a cloud of sunshine and unicorns?"
"That does not sound appealing. Sounds hot and pointy."
I swiped my phone out of reach when Linda's sticky fingers moved closer to it. She pouted at me.
"So what's got you smiling like that, then? Please tell me it was Brian."
I didn't need to say a word. The blush building on my cheeks spoke volumes.
"He was confirming our date next Saturday." My stomach fluttered again just thinking about it.
"Oooh, where's he taking you?"
I bit my lip, bracing myself for her reaction. "Da Vinci's Grove."
Eyes widened comically, and blonde brows shot up. "Holy fucking shit! I've been dropping hints for my husband to take me there for ages."
This time, I couldn't stop the pleased smile from crowding my face. "It's pretty fancy, right? I mean, I like Brian, but this feels like more than a casual date."
"My cousin's husband took her there for their tenth anniversary. It's definitely a big deal." She clapped her hands together in glee. "He's catching some pretty strong feelings for you."
The urge to clap my own hands in joy was strong, but I managed to pull myself together. What were the chances that I manifested personal changes and installed boundaries on my future relationships, only to meet the seemingly perfect man practically right away? It felt too good to be true.
"You'll have to put out," Linda teased. Her eyebrows wiggled suggestively.
The dreamy smile dropped from my face. I turned my attention back to my computer screen as I attempted to ignore the gnawing drop to my stomach. I knew Linda was saying it in jest, but I also knew she wouldn't be surprised if I’d already fucked him.
When you had the reputation of being the town bicycle, it came with preconceived notions attached. I loved sex, but it was no longer enjoyable for me. It was transactional; a means to keep a guy around, and I inevitably ended up feeling like shit aboutmyself and my personal choices. Linda didn't know that I was choosing to remain celibate, but her comment hit me at my core all the same.
The memory of that scorching kiss Brian initiated at the end of our date flickered in my mind. I hadn't planned on kissing him. The day was too bright, and the sidewalk was filled with people milling about. A chaste kiss on the cheek and a hug was the most I was willing to offer.
But then Brian cupped my face between strong, calloused hands, and I was immediately ensnared in his searing gaze. The way he looked at me, so tender yet drowning in desire, caused a bubble of lust to build low in my belly. I couldn't remember the last time a man had stared at me with such heavy longing. I couldn't remember a time when it was genuinely reciprocated by me.
When his lips touched mine, I had to clench his waist to keep from mauling him. His firm yet surprisingly soft lips moved expertly against mine, and my mouth had welcomed his tongue. It wasn't a kiss that should've happened at 3 PM on the sidewalk of a busy street, but I found it impossible to pry myself away.
Only when he backed me against the car and I felt the telltale sign of a growing male arousal did I push back. I panicked. I didn't want to give Brian the wrong idea, even though my body felt cold without his touch.
Did I want to fuck Brian? Of course. But I needed more than that. I wanted to be desired. Adored. Respected.Loved. All without having to use my body first to receive them.
Then he called me sexy, and it triggered a slideshow of memories. Men calling me hot, sexy, or a mixture of adjectives, none of which were meant to sound complimentary. Like an idiot, I hurriedly drove away, probably giving him whiplash with my behavior.
During the short drive back to New Haven, doubts started to crowd, and I was beginning to second-guess my actions. What if he thought I was a tease? What if he had another woman on speed dial to fuck because I got him all hot and bothered?
I had to take several deep, cleansing breaths to talk myself down.
Maria, if that's what Brian thinks, or if that's what he ends up doing, then he's not the guy for you.
You deserve better.
You deserve better.
I'd repeated the mantra until I pulled into the carpark at my apartment. Even though I was embarrassed by my flighty performance after our date, I knew I’d made the right choice.
It was further cemented when, an hour later, Brian made good on his promise to call. Not only did he call to check I got home okay, but he also texted me goodnight. I went to bed that night in a dreamlike state.
