Dr Wilson nodded. ‘I think the next thing is for me to take a closer look at the scars.’ He got up from behind his desk, opened the door on the other side of the room then stepped back. ‘If you’d go through here, please. Remove whatever clothing is necessary for me to look at all the scars. My nurse will join you in a moment.’
Anna stepped through into the examination room, but as the door closed behind her, leaving her alone, she began to panic. It was the smell that did it. Or rather, the not-smell. The not-smell of sterility. There was not even the aroma of disinfectant or cleaners. She stood there, her heart pounding, the memories flooding back.
They’d told her she wouldn’t remember the pain. Not really. But they’d been wrong. The pain she felt now robbed her of breath. Maybe it wasn’t real physical pain, but it seemed very real to her. The agony in her face and body. And in her heart as well. She’d been pretty. That was truth, not vanity. But the pain of knowing she would never be pretty again had almost equalled the pain of torn flesh. And despite the passage of time, it still did.
She fell back against the wall, wrapped her arms around her body and tried not to scream.
The nursed gasped when she opened the door and found her like that. She moved to Anna’s side and placed an arm around her.
‘Are you all right? Shall I call the doctor?’
Anna shook her head. Slowly, she straightened her back and let her arms fall. Her heart was pounding still and her breathing was sharp. ‘I—Just a flashback, I guess.’
‘Come and sit while you get your breath.’
Anna allowed the nurse to guide her to the bed and she sat on it. Gradually, her breathing returned to normal.
‘A bit of a panic attack,’ the nurse offered as she passed her a glass of water. ‘We’ll wait until you’re feeling better.’
The water helped. After a few minutes, Anna got to her feet to remove her top.
‘Are you sure you’re okay? We can always reschedule for another day.’
Anna shook her head. ‘I’m ready. I want to get this done.’ She pulled her top over her head, pleased that the nurse said nothing when she saw the scars across Anna’s chest. Nor did the doctor when he returned. Their professional detachment made it a little easier for Anna to bear.
***
When the appointment was done, Anna drove back to Wagtail Ridge. When she got there, she unlocked the doors to the clinic and went inside. She had no in-patients. Her staff had locked up and gone home. But instinct brought her here, because it was the place she felt safe. A place she felt as if her life was nearly what she had wanted it to be. Nearly, but not entirely.
She tidied some cupboards that didn’t need tidying as the doctor’s words echoed through her head for the hundredth time.
Some improvement, but I cannot undo or cover the damage that was done … surgery. Several surgeries, to be honest … many weeks of healing … risk of more nerve damage … more movement in the skin …
She slammed the glass cupboard door shut, not caring if it broke. The glass stayed whole, and as she stared at it, she saw her face reflected back at her. Even in this poor mirror, the scars were visible.
Was it worth the pain and the risk to have the plastic surgery? What would she gain? Would she become the person she used to be? That pretty carefree girl who didn’t duck her head every time someone looked at her? Did she even want to be that person again? She thought of the things she had achieved. The clinic she ran. The clients she loved. The community who had accepted her so freely. The accident and the scars had helped make her who she was. Did she really want to be someone else?
CHAPTER
28
It was good to be back in Tamworth. Ben felt at home here, and not only because he and Justin had an actual house and their own bedrooms. At the RFS station, Ben was surrounded by friends and colleagues. People he knew and who knew him. If they went to the pub at night, he didn’t have to show off, drink a lot and try to convince them he was as good as his brother. He didn’t have to watch Justin turn his back because of some woman. And he didn’t have to live each minute in fear that their mother would suddenly appear and expect something of him. He had nothing to give her. Now that he was home, and in the cold hard light of day, he knew he was being irrational and stupid. But that didn’t make it any different. Too much time had passed and there was no going back.
He was sorting gear on one of the trucks behind the station when he heard a call from inside. He wandered into the building to be greeted by a wolf whistle.
‘Here he is. The cover boy himself.’ One of the guys swaggered across the room, swaying his hips like Marilyn Monroe.
‘Oh, can I have your autograph please?’
‘Catch me, I’m coming over all faint,’ added another, swooning comically with a hand raised to his forehead.
‘What’s going on?’
‘This just came.’ Justin appeared next to him and handed him a large brown envelope that was already open. ‘There’s one for each of us and apparently it’s already in the shops.’
Ben slid the glossy calendar out of the envelope and stared down at the cover image. It was quite something.
‘Sorry, big brother,’ he said with a smirk. ‘I didn’t mean to make you look so ordinary.’
