She stopped. She knew why Justin felt that way. She couldn’t really deny it, but the truth was different depending on where you stood looking at it. ‘It wasn’t only me. It was the way …’ She bit the words back. She deserved all her sons’ anger and trying to push some of the blame onto the twins was not going to make things better. It didn’t matter that they had pushed her away and closed the door on their shared world. That they deserved some of the blame for tearing the family apart. She would happily take all the blame on her own shoulders, if only the rift could be healed.
‘I’m sorry. For everything. All of it.’ Carol turned back to the car to hide the tears that were streaming down her face. She needed to get better control of herself, so as a distraction, she opened the tailgate and reached for the bundle of leafy branches she’d picked earlier in the day. She pulled the bundle with a strength driven by hurt and anger and the bailing twine holding it came apart. The branches fell to the gravel. She dashed the tears from her eyes and knelt to gather them back up.
Justin knelt beside her, also reaching for the branches. As he did, their hands touched.
Carol stiffened, trying to keep the feeling of touching her son alive for another second or two. It was the first time she had touched him since that terrible day when her boys had walked out the front door and never returned. She looked at Justin, his face so close to hers, and saw in his eyes the same uncertainty that she felt. For a long moment, the two of them stayed like that, crouched behind her car, their arms full of eucalyptus branches.
Justin was the first to rise to his feet.
Carol followed. ‘Thanks for the help. I’ll get these sorted for Anna, and then …’ She let the words hang. And then what? More than anything in the world, she wanted to stay with Justin. To sit and talk to him. To ask him about all the missed years. To ask about Ben. But it didn’t seem appropriate to simply suggest they have coffee.
She didn’t even know if Justin drank coffee.
‘I’ll give you a hand.’
It was more, so much more, than she had hoped for.
Together they carried the branches from the car to Anna’s native animal clinic. Carol started removing the old branches from the enclosures where two koalas were recuperating. She placed new food in each, very conscious that Justin was standing silently, watching her. She jumped when he finally spoke.
‘Is this the koala you rescued that day?’
‘No. This is another one. He was attacked by a dog. He’s doing really well. I’ll be releasing him back into the wild eventually. As soon as Anna says he’s ready to go.’
Silence followed before Justin spoke again. ‘He was lucky you came along, I guess.’
Carol’s heart lifted. It wasn’t much. But it was a start. ‘How long have you been with the RFS?’
‘Five, nearly six, years now.’
‘And Ben?’
‘The same. We joined on the same day.’
‘You always did everything together—on the same day.’
‘Not everything. Not anymore.’
He hadn’t forgotten. How could he? A lie that had existed for seventeen years didn’t just fade away.
‘I am so sorry for that. I was wrong. And if I could, I would go back and do it right.’
‘I’m not the one you have to say that to.’
Carol felt a surge of anger. She spun to face her son. ‘How can I? He won’t talk to me. You wouldn’t be talking to me either if you hadn’t seen me at that fire. You left. Both of you. But that’s how it always was, wasn’t it? The two of you and me on the outside. Yes, I did something wrong. But the two of you pushed me away and then you left. So don’t blame me for everything.’
Before anger turned to tears, she left the building and walked back to her car. She listened for the sound of Justin following her. But he didn’t. Her steps faltered as anger faded, replaced by regret. Had she destroyed any hope of a reconciliation? She should go back, but she didn’t have the strength.
Before she got into the driver’s seat, she reached inside the car’s glove box and removed a flyer. It was for the animal rescue group, but her phone number was there for people who might find an injured animal.
She tossed the flyer into the seat of the car she assumed was Justin’s. There was more than one type of injury, and the ones you couldn’t see were the hardest to heal. She got into her car and drove away.
***
Justin watched through the clinic window until his mother’s car pulled out of the driveway and on to the road. Then he went to see what she had put in his car. He picked up the leaflet advertising a number to call to report injured native wildlife. His mother’s number, he had no doubt. Well, that was something.
‘Are you all right?’ Anna appeared at his side.
‘It depends on what you mean by all right.’
