“I know,” she said miserably.
“I’m glad you ended it before…before it got messier. I deserve to be with someone who likes me best, you know? And so do you. Even if it’s not me. I just…”
Ellory longed to touch her forehead to the cool glass, in the hopes that the chill would chase away the burning in her tear ducts. She longed to escape this car, in the hopes that racing to her dorm would put all this awkwardness behind them. She longed for the feelings she’d hoped would grow for him, because it would be easier to feel the same way, and she could do with a little ease in this school year.
Instead, she whispered, “You just what?”
“I just,” Liam continued apologetically, “wish that someone would choose me back. At least once.”
Her heart felt like it had ruptured.I want it to be you, she didn’t say. Hudson Graves was rude and superior. He ran lava hot and tundra cold. His mind and tongue were weapons, and he often made her feel so incensed that she wanted to throttle him. And none of it, not one substantial personality flaw, mattered when she was with him. All she wanted was to be the focus of his severe attention. All she wanted was to be close to the fire that burned deep within those cold brown eyes. All she wanted was to be shielded by his protective fury, inspired by his sharp intelligence, held by his surprisingly gentle hands.
On paper, Liam Blackwood was perfect. In practice, Hudson Graves was perfect for her.
Ellory stared down at her lap. “What happened between you and Farrah Mayhew? I met her at the party, and it seemed like… I don’t know. She speaks highly of you.”
“She broke up with me,” Liam said. There was an unspoken story behind those words, but Ellory didn’t pry. She didn’t have a right, after all. “We still see each other sometimes, but it’s—I don’t go where I’m not welcome.”
“I hate to be so cliché, but I really do hope we can be friends.” Ellory picked at a loose thread on her jeans. “I like you, Liam. I like spending time with you. I’m sorry I didn’t realize what kind of feelings I had sooner, but I don’t want to lose you entirely. If you’re ever up for it. It’s okay if you aren’t.”
A pale hand covered hers. She glanced up to find Liam watching her, his fawn-brown eyes gentle. There was pain there, but there was affection, too. The warmth of his touch was not the thunderous crackle of a lightning bolt but the comforting heat from a fireplace in the deepest winter.
“We’ll be all right, Ellory,” he whispered. “I’ll need some time, but…yeah, I think I’d be up for that. Someone has to call you out on your incorrect Sherlock Holmes opinions.”
She smiled, only slightly hesitant, and he managed to smile back. When his expression began to tremble, she knew she had overstayed her welcome. Liam withdrew his hand, and Ellory climbed out of the car. The wind numbed her ears, her stomach. Liam waved, and Ellory waved back, and with that, he was gone.
Her first college relationship was over with less fanfare than a daily weather report.
Liam’s car disappeared around the corner.
It’s Hudson, isn’t it? You have feelings for him.
Ellory buried her face in her hands, fighting the urge to cry as if she were the one who had gotten her heart broken.
26
Ellory had expected Hudson’s liquid courage to cause morning regrets, but she woke up to a text from him complaining about the brightness of the sun and warning her to take ibuprofen before attempting to do a single thing.
graves:that voice telling you to get out of bed without it is the devil talking
Unlike some people,she texted back,I have an early shift today so I didn’t get drunk.
Her reciprocation forged a tentative new connection between them, in which it became common for her phone to flash with his name. Not as often as Liam’s golden texts had come, but often enough that Ellory began to look forward to them. There was a freedom to Hudson over text that was absent when she saw him in person. He was a fountain of darkly funny one-liners that made Ellory giggle in between the helpful links and random questions he sent over the course of the next week.
It made her feelings both harder and easier to ignore.
“I go on runs here,” Hudson said dubiously when he met her on Riverside Campus. Since she had no way of knowing what would happen, she’d told him to dress in his favorite clothes, clothes he considered so innate to his personal style that they were practically a part of him. He had translated that to mean the same peacoat, that obnoxious yellow sweater, and a pair of frayed jeans she’d never seen before. Somehow, he looked incredible. “The paths are straightforward. How did you possibly get lost?”
“Magic,” Ellory deadpanned. “Which is why we’re here.”
The orchard was too far. The Graves was too haunted. And the quad—Ellory had altered her path to her classes to avoid that stretch of grass for weeks. Riverside Campus, prismatic and desolate in the November cold, was perfect for her third attempt to cast magic intentionally. The trees, those that still had leaves to brag about, had gone scarlet and butterscotch, lime and amber. Sunlight rippled through the canopy, painting the foliage with buttery light. The babble of the Connecticut River was as peaceful as a lullaby. After a stormy few days, this clear morning was rife with magical potential.
It had been only natural to demand Hudson work with her. If she was bargaining parts of herself for power, she wanted someone who would criticize what she’d given away. Someone who would remember what she’d lost and perhaps complain until she found a way to regain it.
hudson will h?lp
Her note to herself had been right, that day. Instinctively, she was drawn to him instead of Tai and Cody, and that had to mean something. There was a difference between a crush—the butterflies and obsession, the confirmation bias of every interaction—and her thorny feelings for Hudson. The high highs and low lows could notexplain how badly she wanted to know and be known by him, to be liked, to bewanted. This craving was like no crush she had ever felt.
Hudson made a face at the mud lingering from the rain. “Your logic is sound, but your taste continues to be questionable, Morgan. I know a better place than this.”
