She had to hang in there, for herself and no one else. This wasn’t hunger, she knew, not food hunger. It was a gnawing of a different type, one she might not ever understand or overcome. But she was learning the tools to keep it from overcoming her.
She stepped into the pantry, located just off the kitchen, a dark little walk-in with shelves on each side. Maybe she could just nibble some dry fruit. The angel food cake mix beckoned. Angel food. No fat. Perfect. In fact, Annie had handed out cake recipes today—chocolate with diet cola, angel food with fruit. Didn’t she have any fruit in this frigging place? Crushed pineapple. Hell,that was fruit. Just stir it into the cake mix and shovel it in a couple of loaf pans.
Tania Marie prepared the cake batter, then dumped the pineapple in and began to stir the mixture with a wooden spoon. Wouldn’t Virginia be horrified to see her actually trying to cook something? Tania Marie scraped the effervescent mixture into the shiny cake pans. Then she allowed herself a tiny lick of the spoon.
The sweet fizz, like champagne and cookie dough, sent her spinning as surely as if it had been a straight shot of booze. If Ben & Jerry’s could patent this one, they’d have a winner. Tania Marie couldn’t help herself. She raked first the spoon, then her knuckle around the inside of the mixing bowl until it was as shiny and clean as if she’d just washed and dried it. And she had, taste by greedy taste.
The cake batter had increased instead of quieted her aching dissatisfaction. She stared at the two loaf pans glistening on the counter, ready to go in the oven.
Tania Marie picked up one of them, bringing it close to her face so that she could inhale its earthy sweetness. Did she really need to bake both of these?
Something stopped her. A noise, a sound just different enough to make her pause and stare out the kitchen window through the miniblinds. Nothing moved. She slowly returned the loaf pan to the granite counter. A familiar feeling settled in her chest, the tight, constricted pounding of her heart the night she was locked in the sauna, a week ago. Was it less than a week ago? She couldn’t go through that again, would die if she had to.
So, did she embarrass herself and call the cops, have big, fat photos of herself slapped on the front of every tabloid in the supermarket? Or did she stand here, ready to pass out, unable even to eat, because she was afraid of whatever she felt out there?
A memory flitted through her mind. Her father’s voice when she’d had a bad dream.
Next time you have it, just ask the monster, “Who are you really?”
And what if he doesn’t tell me, Daddy?
He will. They always do.
She knew she’d locked the back door, but she ran through the house, just to be sure. Yes, it was fine, dead bolt in place. And the front door? She hurried down the hall again just as the doorbell chimed.
She opened the front door, her fingers sweating, and called through the security door, “Who is it?”
“Me, Jay Rossi.”
“Leave me alone.”
“I can’t. Virginia wants to see you.”
She stood to the side of the door so that he couldn’t see her. “I’ m not letting you in. Go away now or I’ll call the police.”
“Don’t be crazy. I’m trying to help. Your mother’s worried about you.”
“So you say.”
“Call her if you don’t believe me.”
“You know she doesn’t take calls at work.”
“Damn it.” He hit the security door with a smack. “We don’t have time to screw around.”
She heard the jingle of keys, the click of metal on metal. The brass knob of her security door began to turn. Surely Virginia hadn’t given him a key to the apartment. But how else could he have gotten one? The door inched open. Tania Marie ran for her cell phone on the kitchen table, but he was already inside. A firm hand stopped her before she could get there.
“Let me go, you bastard.” She tried to struggle, to pull free of him, but he had both of her arms now, holding them togetherfrom behind her. She managed a scream. One hand clamped over her mouth.
“Calm down, it’s okay.”
She tried to scream again; the hand pressed harder.
“Don’t.” His voice was firm, calm. He pushed her toward the kitchen door leading to the garage. “I’m not going to hurt you, but I’m not leaving without you. Think about that, and let’s move out here and get in the truck.”
Tania Marie thrashed as best she could, but he was stronger than she. Her face shoved against him, she felt her feet being dragged along the floor. She began to cry, unable to breathe, afraid she might suffocate against his shoulder.
His grip on her eased just slightly. She sobbed again, gulping air.
