‘You are everything I am not. Everything I wish I could be, because you do not bend to the will of anyone but yourself.’
‘That’s not true,’ she said.
Her entire life had been about bending to the will of others.
She was sick of it. Sick of being told who she was by people who had their own opinions of her. But every word Arawn had just said … he was right.
Because he saw her.
He saw her when she didn’t even see herself yet.
‘I didn’t tell you at first,’ he said, ‘because it’s my duty to hold the secrets of the Citadel. Why would I offer that up, risk penance and punishment, for a stranger? For a woman in a tower with a mountain of debt upon her head?’
He sighed.
‘And when Ididget to know you … why would I wish to break someone who seemed already broken? Because I was broken, too, Ezer. I couldn’t even conjure a flame to save you, but you didn’t need me to. You saved me, and then you saved yourself in those woods, and however you did it, I don’t know. And I don’t care. Because … everything about you, that’s what I love.’
Her heart started tothumpat that word.
Love.
He stepped closer still. ‘And once I knew who you were … I couldn’t speak the truth aloud.’
‘It wasn’t your choice to make,’ Ezer said.
‘I know that. And I was going to tell you, but the more I got to know you, the more time we spent together, the more you challenged me and frustrated me … the more you began to step into who you are here … the more I realized, Ezer of Rendegard, thatyoucould not be broken. But I could.’ He swallowed, and his hands shook at his sides. ‘I could be broken if I lost you. So, I hid the truth. And it was wrong of me, and I am a coward for it, and I will spend months, years – gods, whatever it takes – trying to make it up to you.’
His words were beautiful.
They were lovely, wonderful, heartfelt things, and they slid over her and through her, making it hard to remember to breathe.
She’d been so angry with him, so betrayed by his lies, for he’d pretended for months that Ervos was dead. But somehow his wrongdoing paled in comparison to all she’d faced inside her labyrinth. The awful memories of Styerra and Erath.
And Ervos in the cell far beneath her, rotting away for murdering five innocent raphon pups. But she liked to imagine he was there because of what he’d done to Styerra, and to her.
‘I have been lied to my entire life,’ Ezer said. She hadn’t the chance to tell him about her mother, but when it came to Ervos, he knew. He understood. ‘And you expect me to forgive you? To fall into your arms and … and what then, Arawn? You’ll be king soon. And … we arenotto be Matched.’
He took a deep breath, and his hands went slack at his sides, like he was surrendering.
‘I do not expect anything from you,’ he said. ‘Never, Ezer. Your choices are your own to make. I am asking – I’ll beg if I have to – if you will forgive me. If you will trust me again. Because I’ve lived my entire life in the Citadel afraid of making mistakes. When we make them here … we pay. When we make them against the gods, our eternity is on the line. Our magic.’
He looked at his hands. He frowned. And when he looked back up at her, his eyes were shining again.
‘I’m asking for grace.’ His voice cracked. ‘Something I have never known. From anyone.’
And the way he said it was so utterly broken, so raw and real, that she felt her walls go down.
They’d both been wronged.
They’d both faced darkness, in their own ways. She might die tomorrow. She might die and never feel love, but …
But tonight.
Just for tonight … perhaps she could.
‘We shouldn’t do this,’ she whispered. ‘It’s forbidden.’
‘I know,’ he said. And suddenly she was terrified of this ending. But then he reached out and ran a hand down her cheek. Towards her neck. Her collarbone. His gaze was molten as he looked back up to her. ‘I cannot live my life, Ezer, not knowing what it was like to have you. I’ll pay the penance. I’ll pay it a thousand times, if it means one night together. One night … where we arefreeto love who we please.’
