I can tell by the way her eyes dart to the floor that she’s trying to be tough.I think about what Archie said back in the bar, that Chloe had feelings for me back then, and I try to reconcile it with my own memories.Is it really true?Was it serious?Did I feel it?Did I know?
I look at her now, and realize that somewhere in the depths of myself, I did know.
“You were sort of like a sister to me, growing up,” I say.
Chloe looks up at me and sighs.“So?”
“Your dad called my dad and asked me to look out for you,” I say, completely unaware where I’m going with the confession, but feeling like I need to put everything out there for her.
“Oh,” she says, taking a step back, laughing to herself.“So that’s why you hung out with me all those years ago.”She picks up the bottle and tosses it into a nearby garbage bag.“Of course.Everything makes sense now.”
“I’m just saying that my dad asked me to—”
“No need to explain.I get it.Sorry for the trouble,” she says, sweeping her hands in front of her as if to say,Enough.“The humiliation is officially complete.”
“Wait,” I say.“What humiliation?”
She looks up at me, her eyes tired, and I feel a deep ache in my chest.
“What I’m trying to say is that you were someone I had to look out for, so I would never have...crossed any lines back then or whatever.”I’m struggling to find the right words, too unsure to ask her outright if she had feelings for me back then.No.I’m not going to ask that.I can’t demand that of her now.I just need to finally be honest with myself and her.
“And I’m really sorry I ran out on our friendship.”
Chloe stills.She raises her hands to her face and becomes completely quiet, breathing into her hands.
I move toward her, pulling her hands from her face and forcing her chin upward.Close up I can definitely see she has been crying.Her big brown eyes are red and her makeup is smeared.
“Our friendship wasn’t just a thing my dad asked me to do,” I say.“You meant a lot.I loved that stupid song.I lovedhanging out with you.And now I just keep thinking of you, and us, and how it feels like there is something special here.And I’m wondering if it was always maybe, potentially there, but I just didn’t want to acknowledge it.I was leaving, you know?”
“You were an asshole,” she says.I search her eyes, as I slide an arm around her waist and pull her closer to me.All I can do is show her I don’t feel that way now.“You never spoke to me again,” she says.
“I know,” I say, rubbing at her streaky tears with my thumb.“I’m sorry.I worked so hard to get to Rossini, and I thought that was the most important thing in my life.I just had that singular focus.It’s a dumb excuse, and I’m ashamed of it and know it doesn’t fix what I did, but it’s the only one I have.”
We stare at each other for a moment, our eyes burrowing deep into each other.And then I lean forward and kiss her gently on the cheek, just below her eye, the taste of salty tears on my lips.
“I’m sorry.I shouldn’t have just fucked off like that.I should have realized how special you were back then.I should have seen what was right in front of me.But, Chloe, I see it now.It feels real.”
I kiss her once more on the other cheek.
“I don’t want to cry over you again,” she says.She feels so light in my arms, her body molding into mine the more we stand here.I kiss her again, this time on the lips, and when I do, everything around me disappears.My whole world shrinks into the soft contact of our lips.I hear the gentlest of moans escape her lips and I feel myself melting into her softness.
“Iamsorry,” I whisper into her mouth.
I feel so bad for hurting her, and I’m suddenly seized with the repercussions of it.She can’t let me in now.There’s no way she trusts me, even if we could somehow get past the working-together complication.
“I can do better.I canbebetter,” I say to her, tomyself, before kissing her top lip again, gently.But then she lifts her hands up and cradles my face, and pushes me gently back, shaking her head.
Even through those tears, she looks so beautiful.“I can’t.I just can’t,” she says.“Because now it’s my turn, Matt.I finally have this thing thatIhave worked my whole life toward.And I need to make it work, without distraction.”
“But couldn’t we just see—”
“No, Matt,” she says, suddenly angry as she pulls farther back.“Besides, you’re dealing with your own demons right now.If I help put you back together, will you still feel this way toward me?I really fucking doubt it.”
I let go of her waist, feeling frustrated as I step back from her.She’s so wrong, but I don’t know how to convince her.Chloe lifts her shirt to blot gently at the dampness under her eyes.
“Let me do my job, Matt,” she says, in barely a whisper.“Please.”
I feel lost.I want her so much, but not this way.I know what it’s like to forget everyone and focus on your dream.I want that for her too.I want to see her happy and for her to have everything she wants.So for now, this has to be enough.
