“But,” he says hoarsely, almost as if in pain, “I don’t want to stop, and I have a feeling you really don’t either.”
“You’re right, I don’t want to.But wehaveto.”
I feel him stiffen in my arms, and he pulls back to look at me.He is ravaged.His hair tousled, his lips red and swollen.An unmistakable bulge presses into my hip, and I try not to imagine him sliding inside me, taking me to the brink again.I’m still clutching him hard, so I loosen my grip a little.Matt’s eyes are resolute.
“This is a mistake,” I say, my breathing heavy.
He looks like he’s just been slapped.“Do you really think that?”
I don’t know how to answer.Part of me doesn’t think this is a mistake.Part of me, the romantic, whimsical girl inside, believes this is what always should have been.Butall of meknows this can’t end up anywhere good.It’s a no-win feeling that can’t be figured out between Matt’s sheets tonight.
When I don’t respond, he takes a small step back and puts his hands in his jean pockets.“Okay.You go to the hotel first, then I’ll follow.No one will see us,” he says.
He takes a moment, looking frantically at me, and then he smiles sadly, dropping his head so our foreheads touch and we both try to slow our breathing.
“But who gives a fuck if it’s a mistake?We’re adults,” he whispers.
I step back.“We have to go,” I say.Unable to find any other words, I try to smooth the creases in my T-shirt where Matt’s fingers bunched it up just moments ago.
I look in the reflection of the shopwindow, stepping slowly back.My hair is damp and wild, my nipples still hard under my shirt.I’m desperately unsatisfied, and by the look of Matt, he is too.That kiss will never be enough.Never.And yet.
“This can’t ever happen again, Matt,” I say, feeling tears of frustration prickling in my eyes.“For the sake of the team and our careers.”And because it’ll completely undo me.
I turn in the direction of the hotel, my stomach churning.And I hear Matt call out to me.“You think you can just turn this feeling off?”
I don’t respond.I already know the answer.
CHAPTER 12
Matt
United States Grand Prix
Qualifying
Security strides alongside me on the paddock as I head over to the garage, my lanyard swinging, eyes to tarmac, avoiding any potential interruptions.It’s busy already.Press.Sponsors.Rich fans with VIP tickets milling around for a glimpse of their favorite driver.Plenty of the team principals are out here too; I spot my old Rossini boss and pick up the pace.
All I want to do is see Chloe.The clouds overhead have cleared, and the bright blue Texas sky beats down on my skin.I feel like a vampire, shrinking from the light.I didn’t sleep.My mind has been swimming.
“Good luck today,” says the security guard, as I disappear into the cool darkness of the hallway.
I’m about to quip back, “I’ll need a miracle,” but I catch myself.
“Thanks, man,” I say instead, squeezing past two crew members as I make my way down to the garage.
And there she is.The first face I see across the brightly lit room.Our eyes meet briefly and she nods, her face impassive as though I’m just another member of the crew.But the little darkening of her cheeks tells a different story.I smile to myself.
“Little brother.”Archie tips his Arden cap toward me and I shake my head.
“You look a fucking mess,” I say, throwing my arms around his hulky frame and giving him a big squeeze.
“Your driving is the fucking mess,” he says, grinning, then he turns to the team and booms, “How do you pricks work with such a useless wanker?”
Laughter fills the garage, and Archie slaps me on the shoulder.If there’s one thing Archie knows how to do, it’s bringing a team together at my expense.
I finally talked to my brother three days ago.He was at some country music festival outside Dallas and was readying himself for the move.We argued, as we always do, but Archie was adamant he was coming.And besides, he told me, “The deal was fucking inked” and I had to “get the hell used to it.”
Now that he’s here, I’m mostly happy.An uncomplicated friend with whom I can be almost entirely myself with.
