“Yeah?” she says, not pressing me further, but the invitation is absolutely there if I want to take it. She stares out across the rows of baby birch trees in pots and waves away a bee.
“Yeah,” I reply. “It’s such a long, convoluted story, Samira.” I sigh. “You’re going to think I’m nuts.”
“Too late for that,” she says, one eyebrow lifted. She grins.
“Okay, first up, the guy I met in Budapest? I need to tell you the whole story.”
“We’ve got time,” Samira says.
So I do. I tell her about the fortune-teller and what she told me, about Josef walking in and how I felt deep in my bones that he was,might be,the one. That I was certain he was going to come in a few weeks. I tell her about the things I’m supposed to fix. And about Ash, and the kiss on the wall and how I hurt him. I talk about my own feelings and my confusion. And how I wanted to go back to before, but also to see Josef and then I’d know. And then I tell her about my best friend and how we felt so out of sync and disconnected with each other. Samira listens, without judgment, until I’m finished.
“Well, it’s you who decided that the fortune-teller was talking about this Joe guy. It’syouwho decided which are the various things you need to ‘fix’ because it’s what youwantto believe. How do you know she wasn’t talking about Ash?”
I stare ahead at Lynn, who is gesticulating toward the beach and making shapes that I think are meant to be the lido’s rounded roof. She’s giving this everything.
“Because she described him. She said he was tall—”
“Ash is tall,” Samira says. “What else?”
“That he was passionate, and that she saw a lot of people around him. That my meeting with him was imminent. And he came straight in. Right then! It wasJoe.”
“But didn’t you meet Ash thevery next day?”
“I’d already met Ash once.”
“But not properly. You said so yourself. And Ash is surrounded by people—he’s one of the most popular guys in the town. My God, Mara,heworks with his hands. He’s a very warm person. Is Joe warm?”
“I’m not sure...”
“And you were literally looking for it. If Ash had walked in, it would be him! If Jesus Christ himself had walked in, you’d be sworn off sex and wearing a habit right now.”
I shake my head.No. No. No.“It’s August now, Samira. It’s just so close to the time he is meant to come.”
“Do you really believe it? Or do you just want to?” she says now, reaching forward and touching my knee. She gives it a little squeeze and I feel my stomach clench at the gesture.
“Both,” I say miserably. “I don’t know.”
“You’re a hopeless romantic. With big Aquarius rising energy.”
“IamAquarius rising,” I say, nodding.
“But this is about love and being loved,” she says. “That’s what all this is.”
I nod again and see that she’s motioning to my clothes, my hair. The whole transformation that I’ve worked on for two months. It’s all been about love. It’s all it’s ever been, really. This idea of romantic love—ofthe one—coming in and giving me a sense of myself in the world. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath waiting for it to happen.
“Now, about your friend, Charlie? You both need to cut each other some slack. You’re just in really different places now.”
“Not really; we’re both in northeast Kent.”
“She’s a mother, and married, and you’re not. What are you two gonna talk about between feeds and playdates?”
“That’s a bit harsh,” I say.
“That girl’s life is all wrapped up in the day-to-day drudgery of motherhood and you’re out looking gorgeous and gaining confidence and starting to shine, and I think that must be hard for her, no? She needs to be around people like her. Doing those vagina squeezes they do and talking about the color of poo.”
“I’m gorgeous?” I say, grinning.
“You always were,” Samira says, rolling her eyes. “But seriously, it’s absolutely okay to drift apart for a bit. You don’t have to put anymore weight on it than that. You don’t have to make a big deal of it. You can just let it drift, with love, and see what happens. You’ll find each other again.”
