“Mara,” Ash says quietly, edging toward me, “maybe a little less ferocious cleaning.”
He turns to me, takes the Heineken bottle out of my hand, and places it into a carboard box, stacking them neatly for recycling. Of course he’s helping.
I am humiliated. Two worlds have collided in the most embarrassing way. He who desired me can now see the truth.
Mara Williams.Never enough.That’s what should be on my goddamn Tinder profile.
Mum watches us for a while, and then, her tears dried, she walks past us both and heads upstairs to her room.
An hour later and in almost complete silence, we are done. Ash follows me up the stairs and into my bedroom. I have nothing for him. I want him out of my bedroom and out of my flat.
“You can still sleep on the pullout. If you actually want to.”
“Mate,” he says, sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. He’s never called memate. “Mara,” he whispers.
“Yes?” I say, holding out the wardrobe door so I can change behind it in privacy.
“What just happened?”
“Well. Welcome to me, Ash. Not so attractive now, am I?”
He sighs, not looking up. “Forget that. Just... it’s fine. Forget it. But I feel... bad for you. You missed your brother’s baby announcement. You’re going to be an auntie. I mean, isn’t that great? We came all the way here and had, like, two hours with your family. I feel somehow responsible too.”
I pull my pajama top over my head and tug on my bottoms in silence. I don’t want to answer him. Then I emerge from behind the door of the wardrobe and look at my face in the mirror. “It’s nothing to do with you,” I say finally. “I mean, forget it. You’re just my flatmate who gave me a ride here, really.”
I hear him suck in a sharp breath.
“I need to do all of this on my own. It was dumb to accept your help. Unfair of me,” I say. And it was. What was I thinking bringing him up here? I knew that there was something brewing between us. I knew it and I encouraged it. And now I must squash it because Ash is a really fucking nice, good, kind person, and there is no way I should have ever led him on like this.
“Okay, sure,” he says, finally looking up at me. “Sure. Let’s get some sleep and head back in the morning, then.”
“Great.”
He pulls his pj’s and soap bag out of his backpack and asks where the toilet is. I climb into bed and pretend to be asleep when he returns. I only realize how hard I’m crying when I move my face slightly and feel the damp of the pillow underneath me.
The silence between us is thick and loaded. I lie there, tossing and turning and waiting for my mind to stop racing.
I can hear Ash’s breath slow next to me. I listen to it for a moment, in, and out. Slower. Then it disappears almost completely and he’s asleep.
24
Are you awake?”I whisper loudly.
I hear him moan. “I am now, Mara.”
He rubs his eyes and I enjoy watching the ruggedness of him as he runs his hands through his hair and reaches clumsily for his phone.
“What the hell? It’s not even six.”
“Let’s get up and go, before my mum and dad get up.”
“Don’t you want to try to make up with your mum? That was pretty intense last night. You might feel better if you guys talk?”
“No need for that,” I say quickly. “Shall we go?”
He sighs loudly and sits up, ruffling that hair again and stretching his neck from side to side.
“Okay, well then, let’s go,” he says without looking at me. He is fishing around now for his watch.
