“We are,” I assure him.
Ash suddenly moves back from me. Like something has occurred to him. Like something has changed. “It’s very cold, Mara. We should probably get back soon.”
“Is there something wrong?”
“No. Nothing. I just...” Ash’s voice trails off into the darkness, along with his thoughts.
“I’m glad you came,” I say, putting my hand on his shoulder. “You were very kind to come.” He stares at the hand on his shoulder. And then at the telescope and then back to me.
Ash turns his head, and in the red glow his eyes look dark. Fierce even. I smile at him and the invitation is enough. He leans in and touches the side of my face with his hand. I feel my knees go weak, and I have to lean back against the wall to steady myself. He closes his eyes and breathes out. Then he leans into me and pauses, his lips hovering just apart from mine. An inch. Then a little less. And then he brushes my mouth with his.
A small moan escapes me, and he kisses me harder. Hungrily.
I let him kiss my neck. I feel the warmth of his lips and the soft touch of his tongue as he trails down until it hits the collar of my jacket. His move is aching. Desperate even, and I revel in the sensation. I lean my head back, a further invitation, and he pushes himself between my legs and runs his hands through my hair, dotting light kisses across my cheek.
“Mara,” he says breathlessly. I feel the whisper of my name wrap around me, and I unzip his coat, running my hands up the soft skin under his T-shirt. I feel his muscles flex at my touch. I curl my fingers into his lower back and feel him arch. I feel powerful. Sexy.
“Mara,” he says again, and I move my lips to his ear, whispering, “Yes.” Ash pulls me closer, pushing himself into me, his hands moving across my chest now, his palms rubbing against my nipples, hard under my jacket. He pulls my jacket open roughly, touches the soft silk of my dress gently at first, and then he searches for a way inside.
His thighs are huge between my legs, and I squeeze mine shut now, another soft moan escaping me. He finds the hem of my skirt and gently moves it up, the silk bunching in his hands, his fingers softly trailing along my thigh.
“Yes,” I reply, and before I have time to think, his hand is against my bare skin, inches away from my underwear.
“I adore you,” he says.
I feel myself stiffen slightly, a sign Ash takes as a further cue of my pleasure, and he kisses my mouth again, one hand in my hair, tugging back slightly, and the other slowly inching upward again. As he gets closer I feel myself start to question this. It’s Ash. My flatmate.
He pulls back, staring into my eyes, looking, I think, for a moment’s reassurance. He moves his hand from my thigh now, letting the almost weightless fabric fall. He brings his hand to my cheek and runs a thumb across it. “Still there?” he says.
“Umm... yes,” I reply, tugging my dress back in place and leaning slightly back.
“I like you,” he says.
“I know,” I say again. I don’t know what else to say, but I want him to stop talking now. He does, briefly, because he kisses me so lightly on the lips and looks down to my hand, which is curled around his.
We stand like that in the darkness a moment longer, and then he whispers, “You don’t feel the same, though, do you?”
I do. I really do. But this is not the plan. This is not what I’m supposed to be doing. Joe is so close. He’s weeks away. “I have to stick to my plan. I’ve come so far. I have to see if—”
He groans as if he knows what’s coming, and I wish there was another reason I could give him.
“It’s just... Joe,” I say. “I have to see if he comes. I mean, what if he comes and you and I are...something.”
“Joe,” he says, and it comes out hard. “Mara, you don’t even know him.Anythingabout him. You’ve never actually met him properly.”
“I can’t explain it if you don’t want to understand,” I say, pulling back slightly more, enough now that he does, too, and stands awkwardly in the red light, arms folded. “You weren’t there. I saw all the signs one after another. I know he’s coming. I have to wait. I have to see this through or...”
“Or what?”
“I could miss it. My one and only chance.”
“Right. Sure,” he says, standing farther back now. He’s upset. “You want me to wait?”
“No. I didn’t mean that. Shit,” I say. “I would never ask that. God no. But, Ash, I can’t...”
“Okay. Okay. Fine. I get it,” he says, waving his hands in front of his face now. “I got this totally wrong,” he mutters. “Sorry.”
He turns, but there is nowhere to go, except together. I am suddenly in a panic. I feel a taut pull, like a rope between Ash and me is about to snap, and I desperately don’t want it to.
