How is one person so capable? How does anyone cruise into adulthood like this? How could I ever date anyone who never seemed to meet a crease in the fabric of life he couldn’t iron out?
I pull on my outfit for the evening: the gorgeous green dress. I look good. Really good, by anyone’s measure, but when I see myself in the mirror, everything just feels like a Band-Aid. The new room, the new house, the new clothes, the new hair.
I want to go back to how everything was before I saw that post from Joe.
40
By 5 p.m.,guests start to pour into our flat. Jackie and her boyfriend, Gus, are first. Gus is so handsome I nearly collapse into myself.
“He’s taken,” says Jackie, pulling him in protectively as she kisses me on the cheek. “You look very nice. Where is the cat?”
“I don’t have a cat,” I say wearily.
“It’s imminent,” says Jackie, as she heads toward the kitchen and hugs Ash. Ash always looks so good in his regular jeans and T-shirt combo, but tonight, I notice he’s looking particularly good in a threadbare tee and his two-day stubble. I wave at him nervously. What am I doing? What am I going to do?
Ash smiles back at me, and in that smile I see that he knows what I’m thinking about. I hate myself. Ihatemyself.
I take another call from Mum, who is now lost at the turn-off near Faversham, but at least they are nearly here. They will be staying inmy freshly painted room, although the idea of being in Ash’s bedroom with him feels more and more like a very uncomfortable decision.
“Your father is worried there isn’t enough beer. Do we need to stop for crudités? There’s an M&S here.”
“No, Mum,” I say.
Chrissie from the café arrives with armfuls of leftover bread and cakes. She smiles warmly at me and coos at the interiors.
“I picked out the colors, and it was my idea to do the feature wall over there, but it’s ninety-nine percent Ash,” I say proudly.
“When you saypicked,” Ash says, “you mean pained over it for weeks and then closed your eyes and pointed.”
“Sure, but at least I made a decision either way,” I say, unable to ignore the subtext of the conversation.
Sanka arrives next and heads straight for the fridge. “You haven’t returnedZoolander,” he snaps. “That was a forty-eight-hour, not a one-week rental.”
“Sorry,” I say, pulling a face.
By the time Samira and Ryan arrive, there are enough people milling around that I don’t need to welcome new arrivals, so I decide to take a moment. I grab a large glass of white wine and hide in the bathroom.
I try my star sign again, sitting on the new toilet.
Buckle up Sagittarius, you’re heading into very emotional territory today. The sun slinks into heart-centered Leo, sending your focus toward intimacy. Rather than push your feelings away, sit with them and nurture them. Your heart needs healing and romantic love deepening. The heart will tell you what it wants.
I mean, it could be referring to Ash or Joe. I sit for a moment, on the toilet, underwear down around my ankles, and try to really assess my feelings. There is a radiating, pulsing desire to walk out of here and throw my arms around Ash and never let him go, but what if I’m wrong? What if true happiness—my fate, my destiny—is really coming for me tonight?
I sigh, resigned to question my decision for all eternity. As I emerge from the bathroom I walk almost immediately into Lynn.
“Now, Mara. Let’s cut to the skinny-dip. I know you told everyone in Broadgate that I had been slipping money into the accounts at the pool.”
“I guess you were going to eventually find out,” I say, rather resigned than apologetic.
“That was personal, private information, and you treated it like cheap gossip.”
“I’m sorry, Lynn,” I say shamefacedly.
“I’m surprised at you,” she says, and I finally look up from the floor and lock eyes with her. But she seems amused. “You came here all ‘weird and reclusive,’ and look at you, gossiping round town like a total pro. You’re practically a Broadgater now,” she says.
“You’re not mad?”
“Of course I’m mad,” she replies, “but the fact I can now cockblock the private sale and development of the lido will make it worth every damn heated whisper.”
