I throw my phone back into my bag immediately, too nervous to wait and see if she reads it and when she might reply.
And then I have a good, long, overdue cathartic cry, followed by an emotional recovery snooze in the morning sun.
When I pull myself up and take some tea from my thermos, Irealize I’m ravenous. I decide to follow the signs to Whitstable—a coastal fishing village famous for local oysters.
After an hour or so, I arrive at the bay and make my way to a bright blue oyster shack in the fishing port. Seagulls cackle above me and I’m reminded of my day with Ash when I was brutally attacked by the flying demons, and I laugh. I laugh remembering his face laughing at me.
Little by little, Ash and Samira and Lynn and even Ryan have bashed away at the little protective cover I’d built up. My own internal tidal defense system has begun to be torn down. And I am feeling freer than I ever have.
I lock my bike up on the rails and spend the rest of the day wandering the windy streets of Whitstable. A few hours later, I realize that I’m too tired to get on my bike and cycle back.
I reach into my bag and fish out my phone. There are several missed calls and messages.
First up, Samira:Results are coming soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where are you?
Then Ash:Hope you’re okay, Mara. I’m here if you want to talk.
The missed calls are from Lynn and then Samira. I hit Samira’s number and she answers in a few rings.
“Hey, where are you?”
“I rode my bike ride to Whitstable—”
“You what? That’s like two hours away on bike,” she says.
“It took me three,” I say. “My bum is actually numb.”
“Why did you bike all the way there, you weirdo?”
“I needed to think,” I say.
“Uh-oh.”
“What?”
“Mara needing to think means Mara will probably overthink,”she says. “Do you need a lift back? I can pick you up. Otherwise you’ll miss the results coming in.”
“That would beamazing,” I say.
“Okay, well, it’s half an hour, so try not to do too much thinking, okay?”
Before she arrives, there is another message. This one from my mother.
Sorry for the delayed reply. We had to figure out the last minute logistics of it. But yes, your father and I will come. Wild horses, darling. Mum x
Samira and I arrive at the Star and Anchor an hour later. Lynn is at a table with Ryan, her knee jiggling like mad as she stares at her phone.
Ryan spins his finger by his temple when he sees us, indicating that Lynn has gone crazy. We get some rounds in. And we wait.
39
The next morning,I emerged from my room, hungover, with a sore bum from the bike ride, and I saw Ash sitting on the sofa looking forlorn. He looked up as soon as he heard me.
“Do you want space to think?” he said, right off the bat.
“Yes,” I said.
“Do you want to cancel the housewarming party?”
