“Charlie.” I rush over to her and pull her awkwardly into me, rubbing her back. “I haven’t disappeared.”
“You have,” she says. “I really fucking miss you.”
My breath catches in my throat. “I miss you too,” I say. “I’m sorry, there’s been this council election...”
“Yeah, and you’re sleeping with your flatmate,” she says, sniffing.
“Well, not yet,” I say, feeling my cheeks redden as my eyes hit the floor.
“He’s cute,” she says.
“He’s great,” I reply, smiling.
“What happened to the Austrian? I thought you went to Vienna to see him.”
“Joe? Um. Yeah. I think it wasn’t really going to ever work out,” I say, turning now toward the kitchen, as if to make us tea. I stop at the sink and look ahead at the dirty backsplash and pick up a cloth and start to rub it.
“You were right. He wasn’t my destiny, after all that,” I say.
“He wasn’t? Isn’t he due here, like, next week?”
“Yes, he was,” I say, rinsing the cloth and hanging it up. “But I was wrong about it all.”
I turn around, feeling sheepish.
“Are you angry with me? Have I done something?”
I think about this. I want to be completely honest with Charlie. I need to tell her how I have been feeling.
“I’m not angry with you. I’ve been a bit hurt maybe,” I say, and she looks up, surprised.
“Hurt?”
“Yes. I feel as thoughyoudisappeared a long time ago.”
“I had a fucking baby, Mara,” she says, instantly defensive. “Jesus. None of this is easy, you know. None of it. I’m tired, I hate my body, I feel like I’m on one of those spinning things... ,” she says, motioning her finger in endless circles.
“A hamster wheel?” I suggest.
“Yes, a constant hamster wheel. Up. Baby. Sleep. Baby. Eat. Baby. Baby. Fuck husband reluctantly. Baby. Eat. Sleep. That’s it. There is no Charlie.”
“I know,” I say. “You asked me and I’m just trying to be honest. It’s been hard. I’ve missed you the last three years or so. Even before you moved here. We used to tell each other everything. Andnow we don’t. And you tell Alex instead, I guess. And... well, fuck it. It hurts and I know I’m not allowed to be hurt by it, but I am.”
“I see,” she says, “I get that. I get it. But, Mara, you used to get annoyed with me if I went out on a Friday night without you when we lived together. I could never give you enough.”
I grimace. She’s right, of course. I can see that now.
“Look. Shall we take a walk down the pier?” I say. “Come on, it’s so warm and we can get a coffee or tea or something.”
We head out of the house and down toward the promenade. It’s sunny and warm and the little beachfront is showing off its full gorgeousness. I watch her smiling at the sea, then the little colored beach huts, and then across to the pool.
“Is that the lido?” She points to the distance.
From here, it looks spectacular, its curved building overhanging and glistening white in the summer sun.
“Hopefully, soon to be the lido with solar-paneled heating and an event space, and a proper organic café.”
Charlie laughs, impressed. “The fantasy is real.”
