“You went to Budapest, right? How was it?” He flicks his sandyhair back from his face, blowing upward at a curled lock that refuses to stay put.
“Very cultured,” I say, making every effort not to look at his blue Crocs and regulation lifeguard board shorts as I say this. “And very historic. And fun. I went to see a proper fortune-teller.”
“Really?” says Ryan. “What did the fortune-teller tell you?”
“That I was going to meet the one.Imminently.And I did.” I cannot help sharing again, though it slightly embarrasses me. I am such a knob, but I can’t be stopped. “But she said I have to fix some things before it all comes together.”
“What do you need to fix? Your Tinder profile? ’Cos I can totally help with that.”
“I don’t do Tinder,” I say. “Why would that be the first thing you think of, anyway?” I roll my eyes to the ceiling.
But then I worry slightly. I haven’t really thought about the fixing part. Did I break something that I now need to address? Or is it more holistic than that? Do I need to fix myself? She saidmany things. What if Joe doesn’t come to England unless I follow her advice?
I think of my front door’s hinges, the curtain rail in my room, the toaster, the flashing light in the leisure center hallway, then the whole lido, my car’s exhaust, my hair, my eyebrows, my nail polish, the wardrobe filled with mostly black clothes I picked up in the supermarket. Then my mind begins to wander. Perhaps it’s bigger? My relationship with my family? Or bigger still? The flood barriers in the Thames Estuary, climate change, poverty, the way we live as a society contributing to our nation’s poor mental health? Suddenly, I find I can’t take a full, satisfying, deep breath.
“I’m fucked,” I say, feeling dizzy, my palms on my desk as I try to slow my breathing.
I look up at Ryan, who looks fascinated and a bit scared, like he’s poked a beehive with a stick and wants to watch the carnage for a bit before he runs.
Lynn returns to the desk in a waft of cigarette smoke.
“Mara’s having some sort of episode,” he says, bending down to take a closer look at my face.
“Are you looking for the keys, Ryan?” she asks while pulling them out of her top drawer. “They were found in one of the urinals this morning. I had to fish them out with a fork.”
Ryan grabs the keys and saunters off, bumping the edge of the next desk as he goes.
“He’s daft as a goose, but heissingle,” she says, slamming her drawer shut.
I stare hard at Lynn.
“What I’m saying is you should keep your limited options open. What are you, thirty-five?”
“I’m thirty-one,” I say weakly.
“Oh really?” she says, cocking her head to the side. “You look older. It’s not a wrinkle thing; it’s more that you look... I don’t know, worn-out.”
I turn to stare down at the water below, watching an elderly lady breaststroke in the azure-blue of the pool. It’s starting to warm up outside, and the early summer sunshine sparkles in the ripples of her wake.
My eyes move toward Ryan, who is high-fiving the on-duty lifeguard, and I long for their easy smiles of friendship.
You don’t notice it when you’re just moving through life—it’s when something happens that means something to you. Something like fate connecting me with Joe. Something that big, and delicious and exciting, you want to tell people so you can live it over and overagain. You need someone to squeeze your knee and tell you how excited they are for you.I love this for you!
Ineedto tell someone about Joe, and so, with Lynn zoned out on a Zoom call opposite me, I give Charlie a quick bell.
“Calling live with breaking news from Eastern Europe!” I say.
“Mara! Are you not back, then?! Has something happened?”
“No, I just meant I’m back. And I have news!”
She laughs loudly. A deep baritone cackle that is like a huge blanket being thrown over me. My spirits lift.
“Oh. Sorry. I missed the joke. It’s baby brain. Constant anxiety,” Charlie says. “It’ssogreat that you went anyway. I’ve been thinking about you all weekend. I feel utterly wracked with guilt at bailing on you.”
“Oh, forget it. I had a blast,” I say. “It turned out to be quite fortuitous, as it happens.”
“Ooh, exciting. Tell me the news!”
