I’m totally into him. He’s sweet and shy and kind of naïve, and absolutely nothing like other guys I’ve dated. He moves at a slow pace. He doesn’t get distracted. He’s dedicated to his work, and he’s so clever, but he doesn’t have the confidence to go out on his own. He likes power ballads, and he’s never seenDie Hard.He’s kind and gentle, but deeply passionate when you get to know him. And even occasionally funny, though admittedly mostly unintentionally. He’s really handsome, but he doesn’t pluck his eyebrows or have hundreds of bloody tattoos. He makes me feel calm and comfortable and giddy and anxious all at once. You would love him, Heather. LOVE HIM. And I am waiting for him to learn the truth: that I’m no good.
But I can’t, so I say the other part of the truth. The part that can’t be avoided. ‘Well, it doesn’t really have a future.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Nothing, it’s just that it can’t really go anywhere.’
‘Does he have a girlfriend? Why wouldn’t you pursue it?’
‘Heather, not everything in life revolves around dudes.’
The line goes quiet and I silently panic that I’ve upset her.
‘I miss you,’ I say truthfully.
‘Same, Birdy, same,’ she says in a tone that is almost woeful.
I want to ask her more about Cristian, and my sense is that she wants to share, but I don’t have the time right now.
‘I’m about to … er … head out. Can we book in time for a proper catch-up?’
‘Yeah, sure, Birdy. Any time. I’m always free.’
I deflate further. I called her to find out if she had a bloody Friend request on Facebook, but what she actually needs right now is a real friend. My phone beeps. I can see it’s Tim calling.
‘Hey, I better go, that’s the other line.’ Part of me is relieved – if I find out how bad things are with Cristian right now, I won’t be able to stop myself telling her to come home.Birdy, you really are the worst.
‘K. Speak soon,’ Heather says, sounding a little upset, and as I hang up the phone I feel bad. But there’s no time for feelings.
‘Hi, Tim. Thank God,’ I say, feeling relief washing over me.
‘What’s up?’
‘Look, I don’t want to be an arsehole, but you can’t come here.’
A very delicate problem suddenly occurs to me. How do you break up with someone that you’re not actually in a confirmed relationship with? What if he laughs at me?
‘Ah, come on. It’ll be awesome.’
‘It won’t. I’m totally stressed all the time. I nearly got found out today – someone bloody Friend-requested Heather.’
‘Oh shit,’ Tim says, laughing loudly. ‘You need to create some fake profiles, so if they search for her, they’ll find you.’
Damn, why didn’t I think of that?
‘Yousoneed me. Come on, I’ll call you Heather, and Damo can crack on to one of the waitresses. Are there hot waitresses there? He’s asking me right now.’
‘Yes,’ I reply, thinking of Roxy. ‘But she’s too …’
‘What? Too fancy for Damo?’
‘No, no. She’s like nineteen. Tim, sorry. I feel like a bitch, but I just think it’s better if you don’t come.’ Deep breath. ‘I think that we should stop seeing each other. In Scotland or London.’
‘What about Wales?’
‘Tim, I’m serious.’
‘Okay, okay. We won’t come, bloody hell.’
