‘So you’re not Heather?’ Irene repeats.
‘No. I’m Birdy. Finch. Elizabeth Finch. My friends call me Birdy.’
‘Birdy? What kind of a name is that,’ Brett says.
‘It’s her nickname,’ James says, and I can hear the anger rising in his voice.
‘Yes,’ I say, my heart breaking a little. I look at Heather, but she is staring down at her nails. ‘It’s my nickname. My best friend gave it to me when I was six.’
‘And who is Heather?’ asks Anis, trying to catch up as Roxy slides up next to her, removing her apron. I see her whisper to Anis,What’s going on?and Anis lean over to fill her in.
I ignore her and keep going. ‘I’d had a couple of wines when we spoke at the awards, and I didn’t really think through what I was doing. You were so nice and warm, and …’ I look at Irene and feel the prickle of tears in my eyes. ‘I did some research. It seemed like a fairly old-fashioned rundown place. No offence. The online wine list was very small. There was no hint of the renovations. I didn’t know exactly what I was walking into.’
‘The website was very out of date,’ interjects Anis, nodding.
I glance at Heather again and she has that look. The look that first drew me to her all those years ago, back in primary school. I want to hug her, but I also want to get this done, and then get the hell out of here. With Heather.
‘I was between jobs. I couldn’t afford a new house-share. And I … I thought it wasn’t such a crazy idea,’ I say, trying not to listen to how crazy I do indeed sound.
‘It’s fucking nuts,’ says James loudly, pacing the length of the bar.
‘Quite,’ agrees Irene.
‘I didn’t think through the consequences properly. Irene, I didn’t think Loch Dorn might be in trouble, or I would never have taken such a risk with your business. The only excuse I can give you is that I was stupid and thoughtless and selfish. I thought it would be a fun summer job, and no one would really care who I was.’
No one has ever really cared who I am. No one has cared, except Heather.
I look up at James, who has stopped pacing by this point, and see a flicker of compassion on his face, before the anger returns.
‘I know there is no way I can be forgiven, but I want to tell you that I’ve loved every day that I was here. I’ve loved my job, in the end, and I gave it everything. I’ve loved the cooking lessons with James, and the walks around the loch …’ I pause, feeling Heather’s eyes on me once again. I can’t look at her.
‘How could you put the hotel at risk like that?’ James says.
‘I’m sorry. As I said, I just didn’t think about it. I only thought of myself. To be someone else, for a while. To see how it felt to be as amazing and talented as Heather.’
The tears are streaming down my cheeks now, and great balls of snot appear in my nose every time I breathe out. Irene fishes a napkin out of her bag and hands it to me.
‘Bill?’ says Irene, as the information starts to sink in, and I feel the questions begin. ‘He knew, didn’t he? Where the hell is Bill?’
‘He didn’t know till too late.’ And then I decide that now is as good a time as any. ‘He’s gone back to the cottage. He’s really upset. And on that subject: please stop protecting him, because you’re not helping him. You’re making him worse. He’s fucking up all the time with orders, and hiding stock for himself. He’s sick. It’s a disease. You can’t simply hide it. He needs help. Protecting him doesn’t help him. And it means other things get hurt. Other people. And your hotel.’
Irene looks at me and for a moment I think she might actually lose her temper, but she doesn’t. She looks down at her hands and nods.
And then there is silence. Everyone sits quietly, unsure who is going to take control of this mess.
‘Well,’ Irene says, shaking her head in overwhelming disbelief. ‘Well, this is a lot to take in.’
‘Um, hello,’ says Heather in barely a whisper. ‘Could I speak to you for a moment, Irene?’
‘And who are you, dear?’
‘I’m the real Heather.’
My heart sinks. I look at Heather and realize there’s nothing else I can do to delay the inevitable.
‘Shall I stay?’ I whisper to Heather, as Irene shoos the rest of the staff away.
‘No,’ says Heather, without looking at me.
