“Ha! Sure . . . have fun with that.”
He faces me again with a questioning stare. “Are there spiders in it or something?”
I think back to all the noises I’ve heard coming from that sofa over the last two years. “That would honestly be preferable to what’s really there.”
His face skews. “Do I want to know?”
I give him a look. “You already do.”
He flicks up the comforter. “Well, looks like we’re bunking together tonight, Chef.”
“Totally fine with me.”Fine, fine, fine.
We both hesitate on either side of the bed for a millisecond—make eye contact, smile tensely, then slide in under the covers. We’re grown-ups. We can be mature about this. We can exist together under the sheets without having sex.
James turns out the light on the side table and I see in the sliver of moonlight that he lifts his hand above his head. “I know I should be tired, but I’m not.”
“Me neither.”
“I also kinda want a cigarette.”
I turn my face to him, surprised by his easy admission. “Are you stressed?”
“I’m . . .something.” There’s a long pause. “I’ve got a lot on my mind. That’s usually when I want one. When I can’t sleep, have a lot on my mind, or . . .”
Or.
Turned onis what he doesn’t say, and what I won’t voice. Because if I do, I’ll say it while straddling him.
I turn onto my side, facing him. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”
His face angles my way and I wish the light was on. I wish I could see the lopsided grin I know he’s giving me. “Better yet, tell me about Caden.”
Is it my imagination or did James all but spit his name?
“Ugh. Caden is a nobody that I met in class and slept with on the weekends.”
“Try again.”
“Caden is an idiot.”
“Closer.”
I breathe in and let it out. “Caden . . . hurt me.”
James stiffens. “What did he do to you?”
“He hurt my feelings, I should say. So don’t go end his life.”
“You say that like hurting your feelings is not still a murder-able offense.”
I chuckle and James’s hand brushes mine, resting above our pillows. His fingers shift to lightly grasp a lock of my hair. “Remember when I told you I was lonely here? That I realized I wanted someone who didn’t just want to have sex with me but wanted to spend time with me too? Well . . . I hoped Caden would be that person.”
“Did you ask him?” His touch is still gentle against my hair, delicately running it back and forth between his fingers.
“Yes. One night after we—well . . . you know—I was getting ready to leave his place, and I asked him if he would want to date me for real. Be something. Outside of the bedroom.” I cringe thinking back to that raw moment. “I really laid it all out on the line like I was in a rom-com movie, and it was my grand gesture moment. I was cute and witty and listed out all the ways I’m fun to be around. And he said . . .”
“What did he say?” James asks so quietly it’s almost like he’s scared to hear the answer too.
