“I do. I think those feelings are completely valid. And you’re allowed to have them.”
He nods, eyes on the road, but I can tell his mind is somewhere else. “But I don’t think it’s fair of me to keep taking it out on Tommy. He’s a shithead a lot of the time, but maybe . . . I don’t know.”
I tilt my head, reading the thoughts he’s not voicing. “Maybe you two could be friends anyway?”
“We’ll see.” He glances over at me, expression lighter, then back at the road. “What about you? Are you going to miss the life of big city freedom and casual hookups with hotties?”
“Not a bit,” I say, and it’s the complete truth. “I’m celibate now, if you remember.”
“I do. But you never told me why.” He cuts his eyes to me. “Is it a permanent thing?”
“I hope not,” I say with a breathy laugh while pulling my feet up in the seat to wrap my arms around my bare knees. “To be honest, I’ve been using it as a weeding system.”
“Tell me more.”
It’s funny I feel so comfortable sharing all of this with him. I’ve never even told my siblings. Not sure if I will either. I don’t need anyone’s opinion or to see their approving or disapproving faces. This choice was made for me and me alone.
In the past, James would have also fallen into the category of people I would keep it from. But oddly, not anymore. “Okay . . . how do I put this? I don’t regret a single moment of my life or how I’ve chosen to live it so far. It’s been fun. And I’ve truly enjoyed it. But while I was in New York, I realized I want something different out of life going forward. I wantmore.” I pause, thinking back on some of those really dark months. Thinking back to Caden and how I hoped he would be someone who would care for me in my hurt, but instead he added to it. “I was so lonely out there, and I needed more companionship than just sex, but most of the guys lost interest in me if sex wasn’t involved.”Caden in particular.“So now I’m choosing celibacy until I find a guy who makes me feel important and safe. Who wants to hang out with me even if we’re not having sex. Nothing serious or anything.Oh!But I do think it would be nice to have someone who’s not sleeping with anyone else on the side either.”
These all seem like reasonable requests to me until I look at James and see a smile quivering on his lips.
My shoulders sag. “Seriously? This again. Are you going to wreck the truck from laughing so hard at my silly little fantasy?”
“Not at all. And it’s not a silly fantasy. I’m laughing because, Madison . . .” He breathes against his laugh. “That’s monogamy. What you’re describing is literally a committed long-term relationship.”
Shock snaps my spine straight. “Noooo.” I shake my head like he suggested I’m craving cocaine. “I specifically saidnothing serious.Just someone who . . .” I search for the words. “Gets invested in a seven-season TV show with me. Someone who I won’t need to pluck that one annoying nipple hair for. You know? Chill stuff.”
His lips press together, and he side-eyes me meaningfully until my list settles into place and does look a lot like a committed relationship.
“Shit.You’re right.” My zombie gaze shifts out the front windshield. I let this new knowledge sink in for a minute and then, “This is terrible news.”
“Why?” James thinks this is one big amusing joke.
“Because!” I shift in my seat, angling more toward him. “I always planned to be the hot, whimsical, unattached aunt, who, on a Tuesday, might fly off to Paris and have a forty-eight-hour fling with a guy who owns a moped. When did I become this boring old person who wants stability?! I hate it.” The moment I say the wordstability,awareness prickles over my skin. Could this be the reason I’ve found James so damn hot lately?
And does that make my attraction to him carry more or less weight?
“I’m sorry I burst your bubble,” he says in a commiserating tone. “Want to go back to pretending you don’t want anything serious?”
“Too late. Cat’s out of the bag. Madison is a snooze.”
His grin does funny things to my insides. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s physically possible for you to be a—” But he cuts off when he looks at me again, all the humor leaving his face as his eyes drop to my waist. “You’re not wearing your seatbelt.”
I wave him off. “Who cares. I’ve lost my will to live.”
“Not funny.” His tone is so serious chills erupt down my arms. “Put it on.”
“No.” I’m sunk back in a grand show of despair, even though his bossiness turns me on a little—like it did when he commanded me not to date Tommy. “Just let me live on the wild side one last time.”
“You’re—” He lets out a frustrating laugh and then pulls over to the side of the road. He throws the truck in park and then stares in my eyes for two wildly hot seconds before suddenly coming in close to me, so close I can smell his soap. I note the absence of any cigarette smoke. And then he’s reaching for my seatbelt, tugging itaround my chest and clicking the buckle firmly into place. But he doesn’t move away as soon as his job is done.
His voice is a soft caress as he says, “You could try your whole life—really give it your best shot, and you still would never come close to anything but extraordinary.Boringis your antonym.” He gives the belt a little safety tug. “Find another way to live on the wild side.”
I can’t think of a single thing to say as he leans back into his own seat, puts the truck in drive, and we rumble down the road once again. But I can feel the seatbelt burning with importance against my chest now.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
James
