When I look up, he sees all of it. Everything I can’t say out loud.
You were my first best friend. Without you . . . I don’t know how to keep going. I need you.
“It scared the hell out of me, Dad,” I whisper. “And I—I’ve been trying to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
He presses his lips together, blinking fast, fighting back his own tears. “I know. But unfortunately we don’t get to control those things. So please, let me live. Let me show up for you. Let me take care of myself and tell you when I can’t. Because besides loving your mom, you boys are the best part of my life.”
He squeezes my hand—and just like that, I break. The tears come fast and I drop my head to his shoulder as he wraps his arms around me.
I didn’t cry the day he went to the hospital. My mom was a wreck and needed me to be strong for her while we waited to hear if the doctors had been able to stabilize him or not. Waited to hear if my dad was alive. And then once we found out he was going to pull through, there was a lot to be done right away. I went home and got his clothes. Packed the things my mom needed. Brought meals to the hospital and worked on the farm in between.
There was no time to cry. To feel the entire weight of what had happened.
I’m feeling it now, and I’m crying. Not quietly. Not politely. It’s an outpouring.
My dad doesn’t let go through any of it. “I love you, James. I’m so proud of you. You’re a good, good man.” His voice is rough but strong, like he’s trying to put me back together with every word. “And I’m proud of what you’ve done with the farm. I never meant to put so much pressure on you.”
I pull back, wiping my face with the back of my hand and willing these damn tears to stop. “You didn’t. Not really. I just knew how much it’s always meant to everyone.”
“Yeah, but I should’ve told you more often thatyoumattermore. You’re more important to us than any legacy. If this farm is hurting your health or your heart . . . let it go. Life’s too short to let anything break you.”
“I appreciate that. I do.” I draw in a shaky breath. “But Idolove it. I’m not ready to walk away from it yet.”
“Okay,” he says simply.
“But . . . I am going to take the contract with AFD.” I watch him carefully, gauging his reaction. I thought about it while falling asleep next to Madison last night. About how I want to have more freedom to live my life without being strapped to this farm. How I want the restaurant to have a fighting chance.
So I tell my dad, “I know it’s not the way you or Grandpa did it, and maybe the community will see it as selling out . . . but the economy is different now. I need the stability, at least until the restaurant gets off the ground. Later on, maybe I can go back to direct sales. But for now, Tommy is right. This needs to be done.”
I hold my breath.
My dad doesn’t hesitate longer than a blink. “It’s a good thing I handed the farm over to you and that you have a smart brother who cares enough to push you toward change. You’re the first one strong enough to follow through with it.”
The air finally rushes out of my lungs.
I will carry those words with me for the rest of my life.
He knocks his knuckles once against the table, then stands, coffee in hand, and walks to the counter. He grabs something and brings it back, setting it gently in front of me.
My word search book.
“I finished the last column for you,” he says with a wink.
And just like that, I’m eight years old again, watching him sit on the porch in the early morning light, pen in hand. He’s the reason I do these puzzles. And he’s the reason I always will.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Madison
0 DAYS UNTIL I FAIL . . .
I wake up with James today, too jittery to sleep a second past the first rays of the sun. While I shower, James says he’ll make coffee and put a bagel in the toaster for me. I get a soft kiss on the temple, and I wonder if that will ever stop feeling like heaven.
I doubt it.
Everything has been leading up to today: the Greenhouse’s soft opening.
Our friends, family, and most of the town will be coming out for a free meal. The goal is to build buzz and smooth out any kinks before the real opening, which is a week from today.
