Even though I’ve done more than enough to earn some credit lately, their surprised expressions make something small inside me shrink even more. I feel like Sammy, longing for a shell to disappear into.
Normally I would meet a feeling like that with even more shame. But this time I hold it with compassion. Gentleness. A sprinkle of pride. I’ve earned the right to look my sisters in the eyes and show them my strength.
“Yes. Me,” I say firmly, wishing I had some liquid courage to say the rest, but of course we’re all not drinking again tonight. “I chose them. Because it’smykitchen. And only I know what kind of people will work well in it.”
Each sentence is a shot, cracking through the air.
Emily raises her hands in mock surrender. “Whoa. Okay. Sensing some hostility. Want to unpack that, Maddie?”
Emily and I are no strangers to fighting. As sisters closest in age and also relationship, we have had some knockdown drag-out feuds in our day. But I don’t want this to be a fight. I want her, and my other siblings, tounderstandme.
I take a breath, then another.
“I know I don’t have the best track record. I know I’ve started things and not finished them. But I’m really trying here, and sometimes I feel like . . . like you all are waiting for me to fail. Preparing for it. And I need you to be my biggest fans, not my biggest critics.”
“Oh, Maddie,” Amelia says softly.
“I’m so sorry,” Emily chimes in, shoulders slumping, because if there’s one thing Emily hates more than anything, it’s herself if she thinks she’s hurt us. “I didn’t even realize—”
“I know you didn’t,” I say quickly before she can take on too much. “I know you love me and want to see me succeed. But there’s already so much pressure. I don’t need reminders of all the ways I’ve failed before. I need what James gives me—someone who seeswhat I’m capable of,not just what I’ve screwed up.”
There’s a long pause, the kind that makes the air thrum.
“You think James believes in you more than we do?” Annie asks.
I nod. “I know he does. He doesn’t leave space for doubt. He sees me as strong. And somehow, being around him . . . I see it too. I don’t have to shrink. I don’t have to apologize for who I am. He makes me feel”—I pause, heart suddenly racing—“inspiring. And he’s funny. God, I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. And he’s . . . affectionate like me. And—”
I stop, realizing I’ve lost the thread.
My sisters are all staring at me. The silence, tangible.
Emily leans in, blinking slowly. “Uh, Madison . . . ?”
I blink back.
Oh no.
I just launched into a monologue about all of James’s incredible qualities, and they didn’t even know we were dating. My heart races. A flush creeps up my neck as a decision takes root in my chest. This thing I wanted to keep hidden between us now feels very impossible to conceal. Don’t even want to conceal.
“I . . . I’m in love with James.”
Screams. Chairs. Pandemonium.
The room explodes as they launch to their feet and swarm me like I just won the championship game.
“I knew it!” Emily shrieks.
“Weallknew it.” Annie grins. “But does James know?”
“Not yet,” I say, cheeks flaming. “I mean, I think he has an idea. We’ve been secretly dating for a month.”
Emily gasps like I slapped her. “What! Have you—have youslepttogether?!”
Amelia elbows her. “Weren’t you working on being less invasive?”
“To hell with that! I want details, Madison!” She jostles my shoulders.
I laugh. “We . . . haven’t.”
