The sooner, the better.
"I'm not going anywhere until I know you're okay."
I lifted my chin in defiance. "I'm fine."
Sorta.
"I'd believe that if you weren't shaking."
This time I did growl. "Go away, Jack. I don't need you here."
Jack drew in a heavy breath as if he was holding on to his temper with all of his might. "You can't do this on your own, Kaito. You're barely sitting up. Let me help you."
"I'd rather crawl to the shower than have you help me." I leveled an evil glare at him. "Besides, I'm going to have to get naked, and you shouldn't be here for that. You're not gay, remember?"
"You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"
Oh, hell, no.
"Why should I?" I snapped. "You treated me like a whore. Hell, you treated me worse than a whore. At least whores get paid after they get fucked."
"I didn't—"
Jack's lips pressed together, and he fisted his hands as he took a step back, which was what I'd wanted, but I was suddenly ice cold.
When he spoke again, his voice was a lot more controlled. "I didn't mean to make you feel like a whore, Kaito. That was never my intention."
"Just what was your intention then? I never expected hearts and roses, Jack, but what you did…to make me feel like I was less than nothing?" I shook my head, not sure what to say. "Fine. You're not gay. Whatever. Just leave me out of it."
"Actually." Jack swallowed tightly as he rubbed the back of his neck. His eyes darted away then came back to me, then darted away again. "I think I might be."
I stared. Hard. "What?"
"The things we did together, I've never felt anything like that. I've been with a lot of women, Kaito, and not a one of them made me feel like you did. I actually felt alive for the first time in my life. I felt something besides the anger that seems to always consume me. I didn't need to snap at anyone. I didn't have to watch over my back. I didn't have to do anything but lay there and feel you pressed against me."
He was saying all the right things, but still… "Jack."
Jack grabbed my hands and held them pressed together between his own. "You don't understand. I've spent my entire life in one mode. Survival. My earliest memory was dodging beer bottles my father threw at me. I was three."
My heart lurched. "Oh, Jack."
How horrible that must of have been. We'd never discussed anything personal between us beyond casual conversation. I had no idea he'd grown up in such a horrible situation.
"I didn't tell you that to make you feel sorry for me. I got away. I escaped and joined the Marines. I learned to protect myself, but I learned it so well that nothing got through. I'm always wound tight because I have to be aware of everything around me so no one can hurt me again, no one can break down my defenses. That's what's made me such a great soldier, I'm always on guard, but also it's kept me from feeling anything. Not love or affection. Even desire was muted."
"You said yourself you've fucked a lot of women."
I hated saying that.
"Sure, I fucked around, but it was almost like I did it because it was expected of me, not because I was enjoying myself. I barely even jerk off. I just don't feel desire like that." Jack inhaled a shaky breath. "Until you."
Jack reached up and brushed some hair back from my face. My hair was short, but long enough that I could tuck it behind my ears, which was exactly what Jack did.
"You made me feel, Kaito. You made me ache so bad I was consumed with having you. I don't think my cock has gone down since that first kiss. You made me feel and need and want and…" Jack took a deep breath then continued speaking. "I don't want to go back to before. I can't."
Tears flooded my eyes at the futility of it all. Jack was baring his heart to me, and I so wanted to accept that special gift, but I couldn't, not even for him.
"I can't live in the closet with you, Jack, no matter how much I want you. I refuse to hide who I am or who I want." I smiled weakly because my heart was breaking, but if I wasn't truthful with myself, my entire life would be a lie and I couldn't live with that. "I'm gay, Jack."
