She softened a bit and laid her hand on her stomach. Her life was profoundly different too. They’d planned on waiting a long while before doing the baby thing, but when she came to me four months ago with a white stick that still had pee stains on the side, I knew she was happy about it.
It was the look on her face. And how much she loved Hasan and adored his family. And, of course, how excited she was to have one of her own. She’d come from a large family, and I knew what this meant for her.
It was not my journey. It never would be. But I was excited to be a fun uncle.
“Atlas has been watching you with his face pressed to the window like one of those old-school Sad Cat Diary videos.”
Glancing over, I could just make out Atlas’s face—slightly pale from being inside all winter. I could picture him in my head, his wide eyes looking like a kicked puppy, even though I’d just gotten done sucking him off in the shower.
He was pouting because we were sandwiched between family members, which meant we had to be quiet and had to deal with them trying to break in through the adjoining door all week. So far, we’d managed to keep the bolt tightly locked, but it didn’t stop them from trying.
Or Gracie from trying to pick the lock when she decided the baby was craving the Swedish gummy candy Atlas had brought along for our New Year’s Eve treat night.
I wasn’t trying to get away from him either. I just wanted a moment to reconnect with myself. It had been a long year—which was both good and bad. Atlas was finally recording again, though we still had some peace since he hadn’t released any music yet. But entertainment news sources had gotten wind of his new recording contract, which had triggered a cease and desist by his ex, claiming that he had the right to look over Atlas’s new music to make sure none of it violated their previous agreement.
It had been a long court battle, and it meant me setting eyes on Raleigh in person for the first time four months ago. He’d rattled me with how good-looking he was. And how smug. He looked through me like I didn’t exist and flirted with Atlas outside the courthouse as though he would be able to bat his eyes and get what he wanted.
It had been ugly, and I’d felt a little insecure for a while. It was something I’d kept to myself to try and spare Atlas, but then that led to me lashing out and several fights before I broke down and actually cried.
It was mortifying, but it was also freeing because he understood.
Things were better now, but sometimes I felt a bit lost. I felt a bit unworthy of being with a person who was so bright and intense. But again, that was on me.
Atlas had never, ever made me feel like I wasn’t his perfect fit.
“What are we doing for dinner?” Gracie said as I turned toward the suites. “Beach party thing?”
“I have no idea whatyourplans are.”
“Ryan,” she started to whine.
I turned and gave her a look. “I let you boss us around most of this trip, but not tonight. Tonight is for me and Atlas.”
“But—” She stopped and sighed. “Actually, yeah. I get it.” She took my hand and squeezed it. “Next year though?—”
“No.”
“But there will be more babies.”
“Gracie,” I said, quiet but firm, “no. Every year, this night is for me and Atlas. Nothing is going to change that.”
“If you two have kids?—”
“Literally, we’d have to switch into a new universe where two cis men can get pregnant togetherandwhere we have brain transplants to want them, because he and I are not having them any other way.”
“You might change your mind.”
I sighed. I loved her with all my heart, but sometimes it was frustrating how she didn’t get it. She didn’t understand how Atlas and I could be fine without all the things that made her life complete. She didn’t understand that we were fine. No, we were more than that.
We were perfect.
“I’m not saying that it’s, like, a need,” she said as we approached the patio doors. “I’m not that much of an asshole. I just think you two would make cute dads.”
“He would definitely make a cute dad, but we’re happy the way we are, and I don’t think he’d be cool with leaving a child when he has to go on tour. It’s bad enough when he thinks about leaving me behind.”
She bit her lip, then groaned as she nodded. “Fine, I get it. But you’re not going to disappear on me when he goes on the road, are you? I mean, not the whole time.”
“No.” I tugged her close and hugged her. “You and Hasan are my family. I’m not leaving you three behind.”
