“Don’t…know…means.” I had no idea about half the things he was saying.
His rough thumb stroked over my knuckles. “Ancient Greece, Ancient Rome. I did a bunch of term papers on gender and sexual identities in Greco-Roman societies. It kind of helped me come to terms with being gay.”
“Mm. Me. Yes.”
He chuckled softly. “Glad I’m in good company.” His thumbs stroked my wrists, and I started to fade again, so I focused on where he was touching me, letting the pressure of his hands ground me. “My parents were furious when I graduated with a bachelor’s in history, then got into a master’s program. They made me feel like I was giving up on having a comfortable life and wasting money on something that would never matter. Maybe they were right. I’m going to have to see them soon and listen to what a useless waste of space I am and how badly I fucked up this holiday season.”
“You…fucked up? How?”
Ryan passed a hand down his face before taking mine again. “There’s this thing my family does. An island we always visit during New Year’s because no one wants to deal with the cold. I was supposed to be there this year, and that’s one more disappointment for the jar on the mantle they’re keeping of how I failed them.”
I squeezed his fingers. “Tell…me. About…island.” I wanted to hear about it. To picture anything except the inside of this ambulance moving at a snail’s pace.
Ryan let out a tiny laugh. “It’s called Pierce Island. We always stay overnight in Savannah and then take a tram to the docks at the ass crack of dawn and get on this thirteen-hour ferry. Everyone hates everyone for the first leg of the trip. Then suddenly, we go from freezing cold to tropical and warm, and people tend to forget why they’re mad at each other. Well, unless you’re my parents, and then they’re still pissed at me because all I’ve done is go against the meticulous life plan my mother made for me…” He said it in a way that told me he’d heard it over and over, and I felt an odd sense of rage for this stranger, who I knew didn’t deserve that from the people who were meant to love him unconditionally.
“More,” I whispered.
He took a breath and managed a smile down at me. “It’s funny because I hated going there when I was a kid, even when I loved it. I wanted to be somewhere that felt like Christmas. Like the Poconos with snow and cider and skiing. I’ve never been skiing,” he added, his eyes crinkling in the corners. “But I’ve always wanted to learn.”
“Not…that fun,” I managed.
He laughed and shook his head. “I have no doubt I’d make a fool of myself, but I don’t know that I’ll ever get the chance. Whenever I suggest a winter holiday, my mother calls me anidiot. She makes me feel small, so I shut my mouth and go along with what they want.”
“Hurts?”
He shrugged. “It does, yeah. Pierce Island’s beautiful, even if my family’s being ugly. I think I’ll go with them next year, even if it means feeling shitty about myself. And hell, maybe it’ll be better after everything, you know?”
“Everything?”
“I’m taking the MCAT to see if I can get into med school. I mean, it’s not what I want. It’s the last thing I want, but if it means making them happy…”
“No.”
He laughed and blinked down at me. God, he was so, so pretty.
“Mean…it,” I managed. “Be happy.”
“Good advice, but hard to follow.” He closed his eyes and bowed his head. “If I could have just one thing, it would be someone who gets me. Someone who doesn’t want me to twist myself into all the wrong shapes to make them happy.”
I understood that a little too well. So well that for a brief, fleeting moment, I forgot the pain I was in, and we were just two men lamenting about our lives.
And then my nerves fired up again, and I gasped, squeezing him tighter.
“Hang in there,” he said, leaning over to check something on the monitor beside me. He didn’t look happy. “Keep breathing, Atlas. We’re moving slow, but we’re going to get you help, okay?”
“Mm.”
I squeezed his fingers again, the only way I could really respond. I wanted him to keep talking, to selfishly live out loud these painful parts of his life. It was keeping me grounded. It was keeping his hands on me, and where the numbness was startingto spread, I was terrified that eventually I wouldn’t be able to feel him at all.
And then my heart rate got funny again. I could feel it slowing in my chest, like all the blood in my body had turned thick as honey, and he quit talking for a while as he adjusted a couple of tubes. Eventually, I could breathe easier once more, and things felt steady. I could see the worry in his eyes as he looked down at me.
He brushed fingers through my hair, and the sensation made me want to cry with the relief it brought. “When I applied for a master’s program in history, my parents threatened to disown me. I can’t decide if I want to pursue that part of my life or do what they want me to do. Is giving up on my passion worth the peace? I don’t know if you know how that feels.”
I didn’t. Not in the same way. But the thought of him living a life that didn’t make him happy gutted me.
“No.” The inside of the ambulance went dim. Or…was my vision fading? I tested the movement in my legs again, but there was still nothing.
I understood what that meant now.
