Minnie whispers up at me. “You can just sit and listen if you like.” Shame creeps up my spine as they make space for me. They start a general chat, because I didn’t even know my friends met in a group like this.
“We’ve spoken before about how grief can come in waves,” Roland says. “Sometimes it’ll hit you harder in different seasons of your life. Other times, you might be triggered by seeing something that reminds you of that person.”
“Mine feels like it’s there all the time,” Sabrina says. “Like a heavy jacket I can’t take off.” The group shifts. “I didn’t know my mates when they died, so I keep wondering about what my life could have looked like. It’s everyday things, like eating dinner or going to bed. There’s only one toothbrush at the sink. Only one set of clothes.Everythingis triggering.”
Beak nods in agreement. “I feel like there’s too much empty space in my life now and nothing to fill it with. Nothing can match up to my mates.”
“Nothing will replace them,” Roland agrees. “But you can certainly fill your life with positive things to?—”
“That’s bullshit, Roland, and you know it,” Sabrina deadpans. “You think crochet is going tofill my time?”
“It won’t, Sabrina,” Beak says. “But we don’t get a choice. Either you let the loss make you into a living corpse or you try to spend your days doing what good you can.”
“That’s a bit harsh,” Minnie admonishes. “Do you think the surrogate program is working for you, Sabrina?”
Our leopard shrugs. “It helps, but only because I didn’t know my mates. I don’t know if it would work for beasts who knew their mates well.”
Minnie gnaws on her lip, and I watch her from the corner of my eye. Scythe had only told me that the Devi Pack had come to save them, and Yeti had been mangled in the process, but I don’t know the details. But there’s a dark sort of energy I’m sensing from her, and I need to know where it’s coming from.
“My rex is still rejecting me,” Stacey says, after some silence from the group. “He’s giving me all sorts of reasons, but mostly he won’t talk at all.” She gestures to her arm, and her voice grows thick. “I don’t even know if he feels bad about shooting me.”
“Would you even want to be his mate after he did that?” Beak says, his mouth twisting with distaste. “No central mate should be able to come back from hurting the people they’re supposed to look after.”
Suddenly, I want to vomit again. “Sorry,” I blurt out, shooting to my feet. No one says anything as I make a beeline for the door, my arms around myself to stop my sudden shivering. I shut the door behind me, and take three steps down the corridor before pressing my body against the wall and closing my eyes. My mates are not dead. Ghoul is not dead. Ghoul is still here. If I’d accidentally killed him, I would know; I was so careful about his injuries.
“Regina.” Strong hands wrap around me, and I know it’s Savage without looking, but I don’t feel like I deserve a hug right now.
The door opens and shuts behind me. “Aurelia?” Minnie’s trembling voice makes me whirl around again. She clutches shaking hands in front of her and takes a deep breath. Alarm bells ring in my mind, and I rush to her. “I killed Titus,”she blurts out on a sob. “I killed him for attacking Yeti and—Goddess, I think I’m going to faint again.”
I grab her, shoving her body against mine. “Fuck, Min. I’m so sorry. Just breathe.”
Gertie, her orange nimpin, hoots a beat in Minnie’s ear, reminding her to breathe slowly. Titus is dead. I should feel relief or shock about this, but instead, I feel nothing. Like the emotions inside of me are living on fumes.
“I think Sabrina hates me now,” Minnie says, her voice muffled against my shirt.
Pulling away, I wipe her tears with my thumbs. “She hates everything at the moment. He forced your hand. She can’t understand that right now. Yeti could have died.”
“He would have,” Savage says, keeping his distance by the wall. “Titus would’ve gone for it if you hadn’t gotten between them, Min.”
Minnie lifts her head to nod at him gratefully. “I think you’re right. I just don’t like any of it.”
“Wait until you hear what I did,” I say darkly. “You should come to my meeting with Scythe. Distract yourself fromyourproblems withmyproblems.”
My best friend and I smile weakly at each other. “Yeti doesn’t want visitors at the moment, otherwise I would have taken you to see him first. They’re going to have to do more surgery on his leg, and he’s mourning his foot right now.”
I grimace at the thought. Yeti was the head of the felines at the academy. Missing a foot is a death sentence for beasts in the wild. His gait will never be the same again. He’ll never be able to run properly. The Clawsons had done such horrible damage to both Minnie’s and my own family.
We walk back to the animus dorms in silence until Savage shares his thoughts with us. “Shame he can’t turn into a starfish,” my wolf sighs. “I went to see him yesterday and took ahelium balloon. I drew a get-well card with a wooden stool and a smiley face.”
“Why a wooden stool?” I ask.
“Because they only need three legs.”
We make it back to our suite, where Scythe, Xander and Lyle are waiting for us. We sit down at the table, and they tell me exactly what happened after I left with Ghoul. The story is ghastly. The fact that my father has rounded up the children of Serpent Court and is training them up as soldiers is shocking. Teaching them to separate their animuses and animas like he learnt to is something I never expected.
“How is he planning on using them?” Minnie asks.
Scythe and I exchange a look. “My father was willing to usemeas a teenager,” I say. “I have no doubt he’ll use them in every distasteful way he can.”
