I really,reallydon’t want to open it.
Yet I must.
The cold band of panic slips around my ribs and begins to squeeze. My breath comes in short gasps. I set the phone down and stand up. I pace, counting my steps and aligning my breath to the rhythm.
I hum to the beat of my footsteps, and the fire of Rhazan’s song burns down my throat to my heart. The frigid band melts one hummed syllable at a time until I can breathe easy once more.
I’m strong enough to do this.
I grab the phone and unlock it, my finger hovering over the messages button. My ribs cinch together painfully and I choke on my next breath.
I close my eyes, humming again until my muscles relax. I breathe deeply for another minute, letting the air whoosh into me on big waves that rumble out through me in deep song. My skin dances with heat. It feels like Rhaz is right here with me.
I’m not alone.
I don’t have to dothisalone.
I clutch my phone and walk out to the kitchen. Nai Nai is stirring vegetables in a wok while Ace sets everything out on the table. It looks delicious, and I wish I could ignore the darkness in my hand to enjoy the light with my family—but this isn’t all my family. Some of them are depending on me to do what’s right. What’snecessary.
“You okay?” Ace asks, his eyes wide.
“I got messages from Lei,” I say.
“What did they say?”
I shake my head. “I haven’t looked. I…need you guys to look with me.”
“Dinner first,” Nai Nai says. “We can think more reasonably with a happy stomach.”
“But the anticipation is going to eat me alive!” Ace says.
“Eat or be eaten,” she says in a playful, sing-song way.
She takes the wok off the stove and sets it on a hot pad at the table, then reaches out to me.
“Phone,” she says in a tone that does not allow for any backtalk.
I give it up and she puts it in one of her cardigan pockets.
“Dinner.”
Ace lets out a long huff of frustration but says nothing else. I sit down with them and we eat. Nai Nai talks about the new wards she applied to the storeroom doorway to better keep out the skreet. I nod mechanically and thank her, my attention narrowed in on the red number five sitting over Lei’s number in my inbox.
Ace and I both finish our meals quickly and are left to suffer as Nai Nai eats at a reasonable pace. I’m at the edge of my sanity when the realization hits me.
This is out of my hands.
Nai Nai will let me have the phone when she’s ready, and there’s nothing I can do, short of ripping off her sweater and taking it back—which is absolutely not an option.
I imagine Rhazan’s voice in my head. The tenor and pitch, the way his chest rumbles and how it feels against my face when I rest on his shoulder. He hums in my mind and the song flows through my body.
The mark on my wrist wriggles with iridescent fire, and a calm settles over me. Then it settles over Ace, too. He stopsfidgeting with his chopsticks and places his hands in his lap. His breathing deepens, and so does mine.
Nai Nai looks up at me with a wrinkle-eyed smile. “Now, we’re ready.”
I sense the nerves tingling in the palms of my hands. The anticipation is palpable, but the stress it causes is manageable. I can see what it’s doing to me, and I can tell itno.
No, I will not let Lei make me feel small and helpless.
