But my heart couldn’t take the idea of being truly cared about. My mind couldn’t accept that someone like him might actually want to look after someone like me. Why the hells was I like this? I truly didn’t know why I could so easily take any soft, innocent moment in life and sour it. Twist it until it was ugly.
It wasn’t right. Once he knew me… once he saw the real me—this ugly, dark, thing lurking in the shadows of the world—he would regret it.
They always did.
So even though making him flinch like that hurt me more than a fucking knife to the chest, I kept my bitch mask in place.
“Forget it,” he said, flopping back onto his side of the mattress. “I don’t know why I even try with you.”
Thank fuck we were shrouded in darkness and thank fuck he’d turned to face the opposite side of the bed.
Because I couldn’t hold on to the façade any longer. I curled onto my side, willing my heart rate to steady out after that fucking nightmare, and squeezed my eyes shut.
Like this, I could pretend my throat didn’t burn. I could pretend my chest didn’t fucking hurt. I could pretend I wasn’t a repulsive, unlovable fae who would continue to do nothing but hurt Jessiah.
In the darkness of the inn, I could pretend I wasn’t one damn second away from falling apart entirely.
Chapter 14
Jessiah
Iwas a fool. The biggest fucking fool alive. Worse than a fool, actually. And Rummy only made it worse.
Fuck, even the scent of her incapacitated me. It dulled yet heightened my senses in ways that made me act like an absolute idiot. After the morning came, I’d scrubbed my skin over and over again, letting the water scald me. Letting it burn me raw in hopes that I could burn the memories of her from my mind as well.
But it was no use.
The thought of her still swarmed inside my mind as we got ready to leave the inn.
It took more energy than usual to keep my gaze averted as we readied the horses.
The town was quiet this morning. Empty. The sun was just peeking over the horizon, and birds chirped in the distance.
It was nothing like mornings in Scarlata. From the moment I rose, I was busy. We were all busy. I didn’t mind it. Being busy meant moving forward.
The quietness here… it stirred a disquiet inside me.
The memory of Rummy in bed last night only amplified it.
“How is she?” Xavier approached, an apple in hand. “She run away in the night and leave our sorry asses yet?”
I finished securing my saddle with a tug. “Much to my dismay, no. She’ll be out here soon. Whatever that healer did to her seemed to work well enough.”
He nodded, but he eyed me suspiciously. “You two sleep okay?”
I rolled my eyes.
“What!”
“You really thought something would happen after you left?” I bit out. “Are you playing matchmaker now?”
He took a bite of his apple and chomped on it before responding. “Me? How dare you accuse me of that. Our room didn’t reek of blood and rotten flesh, and I figured you two could use the privacy. Did my curiosity get the best of me? Perhaps. But that is no reason to throw these accusations around!”
I stared him down. “Right.”
He held my stare for a few seconds before breaking out into the biggest smile I’d ever seen from my friend. “Though it would do us all some good if you just made your damn move already.”
I nearly choked on air. “Are we talking about the same woman here?” I asked. “Because Rummy wouldn’t let me near her with a fucking ten-foot pole. Women like that aren’t good for anyone.”
