Andrew was stalled. In a funk, as Phil put it. He’d grudgingly agreed to be in the wedding and had taken incompletes on his finals, but as far as Cassie could tell he’d made no plans for the summer. And he hadn’t said whether he intended to go back to school in the fall.
Dr. Milburn had recommended a therapist, but despite Cassie’s nudging, Andrew hadn’t made an appointment. This morning she’d dragged him along to the grocery store, hoping they could talk, but he was loitering near the shopping cart in a fog of boredom. “How about pasta primavera?” she suggested, selecting a couple of zucchinis.
He shrugged. “Whatever.”
“Or I can make you and Grandpa a steak with pasta on the side. Or veggies if you don’t want pasta.” She couldn’t help thinking of poor Glenn, who’d turned himself inside out about that roast. She’d almost broken down and eaten it so he wouldn’t feel bad. She was surprised he was such a meat eater. Besides being unhealthy, it wasn’t very green. She hadn’t pointed that out though, he’d been upset enough already. She smiled to herself. But they’d gotten past it.
She chose a package of snap peas and a bunch of asparagus, which were a reasonable three ninety-nine a pound. Ciccarelli’s, Laurelton’s upscale family-owned grocery, had a nice selection of organics and a lovely cheese counter, where they would slice you a taste. So much easier than shopping in the city, wherethe aisles were narrow and congested and you had to lug your groceries home or pay to have them delivered. She did miss some things about the city, but grocery shopping wasn’t one of them.
“Why don’t you push,” she said to Andrew, who was lagging behind. She’d hoped a change of scenery might do him good, but going out in public seemed to require more effort than he could muster. “You need to make an appointment with that therapist. You’ve been home almost a month, and you’ve hardly left the house.”
“I’m out of the house right now.”
“You know what I mean. You need to talk to someone—a professional. Grandpa and I don’t count. I mean we do, but I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine,” he muttered. But he didn’t look fine. He had the exhausted look of someone who hadn’t slept in weeks even though that was all he’d been doing.
She tossed in a box of Grape-Nuts, the only cereal her dad would eat. “Promise me you’ll call when we get home.”
“Today?”
“Yes today. Maybe you can get an appointment for later this week.”
“Can we get Fig Newtons?” he said as they rounded the cookie aisle.
“Sure.” At least he was showing an interest in something. As a little boy, Andrew had loved Fig Newtons, declared them his favorite before he realized there were better cookies like Oreos. “I haven’t bought Fig Newtons in ages. I used to crave them when I was pregnant with you.”
“You did? Is that why I liked them?”
She smiled. “I don’t think it works that way. You probably liked them because that’s all you knew. Whole wheat or regular?”
“I don’t know.” He gazed at the acres of cookies in a haze of indecision.
She waited for him to make up his mind. “Sweetie?” An anxious thrumming had started in her stomach. Andrew had never been indecisive about cookies. “Just get something, whatever you want.”
“Forget it. I don’t want any.”
“I wish you’d talk to me,” she said miserably.
He turned on her so fiercely she stepped back. “You’ll hate me,” he said.
“Oh Andrew.” Tears welled in her eyes. “I could never hate you. I love you. You know that. Whatever happened wasn’t your fault.”
“Itwasmy fault.”
“The review board suspended all of you.”
“The review board didn’t know everything.”
A slow dread rose in her chest. What on earth could he have done? She knew her son better than anyone, had been smitten with him from the moment he was born. She knew his caution about trying new things, his moodiness when he was hungry, the smile that stopped her because it was so much her own. Even now, she could still spot the germ of her sweet gentle boy.
But what did you really know once your child went into the world and left you behind? Only what they wanted you to see. Had she been so wrapped up with her own problems she didn’t notice signs of trouble, or had he quietly, subversively gone astray?
“I have most of what we need,” she said. “Let’s get out of here.”
Checkout was excruciatingly slow—the elderly woman ahead of them had an expired coupon, and the checker had to call for assistance. Then the woman counted out her bill in cash. Cassie’s stomach knotted, trying to imagine what Andrew had done orthought he’d done. She’d suspected all along that he hadn’t told her everything, but such a horrible accident couldn’t be his fault.
Still. The weight of his silence bore down on her.
