‘Tea,’ the Reverend interrupted hurriedly, ‘we’ll have three teas my good lady, if you please.’
‘You want any Old Tom in that?’ she enquired, giving the table a cursory wipe with a cloth that looked and smelled as though it had last been down the bottom of a latrine.
‘Err, no … thank you,’ responded Reverend Shackleford with a barely repressed shudder.
‘We can’t stay here Father,’ hissed Patience as soon as the woman was out of earshot. ‘God only knows what dreadful malady we may come down with if we linger.’
‘We can’t leave without paying,’ interrupted Percy, aghast at the very thought.
‘Then let’s simply leave some coin on the table and go,’ whispered Patience crossly, endeavouring to slide back her chair without it disintegrating beneath her.
‘Ere.’ The sudden reappearance of their waitress caused all three of them to jump in guilty surprise, and as one, they stared silently at the large bowl filled with what looked like dishwater plonked on the middle of the table. ‘T’others are on their way.’
‘Do you have any sugar?’ commented Percy weakly.
‘Are you bacon-brained? Of course they don’t have any deuced sugar,’ growled the Reverend as the waitress simply snorted and disappeared for the other two bowls.
‘I can’t possibly drink this,’ snapped Patience as her father pushed the bowl towards her encouragingly. ‘I shall simply tell the lady of the establishment that she will need to improve her standards considerably if she wishes to attract a better class of customers.’
‘I don’t think they have any desire to attract a better class of anything,’ argued the Reverend, with a frown as he suddenly spied a scantily cladladyseated on a customer’s knee in the opposite corner. Coughing he turned his attention back to his two companions as their server deposited their other two teas. ‘That’ll be three pennies’ she declared brusquely, hands on her hips as if daring them to object.
Patience opened her mouth, but before she had a chance to say anything, her father jumped in. ‘Of course, of course’ the large man responded jovially. ‘Pay the lady, Percy.’
As both the Reverend and curate had put aside their cassocks in an effort to render themselves less memorable, Percy struggled to locate the coin in his unfamiliar breeches.
‘Are yer getting me the blunt or boxing the bloody Jesuit?’ demanded the woman impatiently after a few seconds watching the small man’s fumbling. ‘I ain’t got all day.’
Percy went the colour of an overripe tomato as he finally located and handed over the coin, and Patience frowned as the waitress stomped off. ‘What does she mean, box…?’
‘Right then,’ interrupted the Reverend hurriedly. ‘I’m of the mind that we should waste no more time and take advantage of our anonymity to get this deuced meeting over and done with as quickly as possible.’
Patience pursed her lips, clearly not ready to abandon her question, but then reasoned she could always ask John when she saw him again. Nodding her head, she leaned forward.
‘Obviously, the only way to stop this farce is to ensure that no one will wish to marry me,’ she declared matter-of-factly. ‘So, the question is, how do we achieve that without causing undue embarrassment to any of my sisters.’
‘We don’t,’ muttered the Reverend with a sigh. ‘Whatever we do is going to cause at least some discomfiture, but if me and Percy are the ones to make a cake of ourselves, mayhap things won’t go so hard for you, girl.’
‘Naturally, I thought that too,’ responded Patience, much to Percy’s alarm. ‘But I’ve since had second thoughts. Clearly, any scandal involving the father of the Duchess of Blackmore, the Countess of Ravenstoneandthe Viscountess Northwood will reflect very badly on their husbands.'
‘I don’t believe any of their husbands will give a deuced fig,’ protested the Reverend.
‘Perhaps not,’ conceded Patience. ‘But we have Charity, Chastity and Prudence to think of. I cannot, in all conscience, ruin their chances of marriage simply because I am not cut out to be anybody’s wife.’ She held up her hand as the Reverend made to interrupt. ‘And even more importantly, there is Anthony to consider. Once of age, any scandal involving his father could well prevent him making the match stepmother so dearly wishes for him.’
Augustus Shackleford stared nonplussed at his daughter’s determined face. It was clear she had given the matter a great deal of thought. Unexpectedly, he felt a surge of compassion towards her. Patience had never fitted in, any more than he had. They were two sides of the same coin.
‘No,’ she continued with the same resolve. ‘Everyone I know already believes me beyond salvation, so tying my garter in public is a small step indeed. The secret to our success I believe is for me to be compromised by someone who will not then be forced by society to make an honest woman of me.’
The Reverend frowned. ‘And where the devil are we going to find such a person?’ he demanded. ‘You cannot simply cast around for some poor unsuspecting addle pate and get him to compromise you. You might well end up with far more than you bargained for my girl,’ he continued bluntly. ‘The only men you are likely to have any contact with are those gentlemen who must adhere to the rules of Society, and none of them will willingly allow themselves to be put in such a position for fear they be forced to do just as you described.
‘If they do not do the honourable thing, they would be just as ruined as you.’ He grimaced before adding, ‘Unless of course you pick someone so far up the deuced pecking order that he’s indifferent to societal constraints. And what’s the likelihood of that?’
‘Certainly not in Bath,’ agreed Percy.
‘And even if we do locate such an individual,’ continued the Reverend, ‘you are the sister-in-law to a duke. If our mythical gentleman is so far up the social order, he’s likely to be acquainted with Nicholas.’ He sighed, ‘Which brings us back to square one.’
‘And not forgetting the whole point is to avoid the resulting scandal tarnishing the family forever,’ added Percy, clearly endeavouring to be a voice of reason.
‘What, unlike the Queen of England ending up in a duck pond at a Shackleford family wedding you mean?’ responded Patience tartly, ‘Which is the reason we’re lurking in Bath in the first place.’
