“You do?” he asked, truly surprised.
“Yes. I love kids. I love how innocent their minds are yet how big their imaginations can be. Things that are so small to us are significant to them. It’s not hard for them to appreciate the world.”
“That is an interesting take.”
“Besides, it’s different when you’re a parent. It’s kind of your job to freak out and stress over them.”
He laughed at that. Actually laughed. With teeth showing.
Then he dropped his head to study his daughter. “I worry for her so much.”
“About what?”
He was quiet a beat, head shaking as he stroked her cheek with his thumb. She let out another long breath after a deep inhale. “Because her life will always seem a bit broken without her mother in it. I wish sometimes that it was me who was taken, not Eloise.”
Oh.
“It is hard to raise a child through grief,” he continued. “People expect me to be this happy man, one who should be grateful that I am still alive and that my daughter is too. And trust me, Iamglad that I have Aleesa. I am glad that she is here and that she is healthy, but there is not a single day where I do not feel like I do not belong here. Not one day where I do not know Aleesa would be better off if she had her mother instead of me.”
“Javier, I—”
“I am sorry.” When he looked up, his eyes were glistening. “I have shared too much. As I told you, I am justreallyexhausted.” He tried laughing it off.
“No—don’t apologize. Trust me, I get it.” I threw up a hand, hoping he wouldn’t rile himself up too much. “I’ve lost a father and a brother-in-law. And I know those two are not the same as losing a spouse, but I understand grief. My dad was the best man I ever knew.” I had to pause and look away to bite back tears. “I ... um ... I can still remember the things he did for me and Davina. He was seriously the best.” I tugged at one of my locs, eyes still wandering. “And Davina’s first husband, Lew, he was areallygreat guy. He loved her and truly felt like a brother to me.” My eyes flicked to Javier’s again. “So believe me, I get it. I’m not judging you for what you think orhow you feel. Yes, girls need their moms, but they also need their dads. You’re doing fine.”
He kept his eyes on me the entire time. His gaze fell to my nose, then my mouth. I stared at his lips for a bit ... until I realized we were looking at each other a few seconds longer than necessary. He seemed to realize, too, and tore his eyes away.
“I, um ... I can go lie her down if you want me to,” I offered, gesturing to Leesa.
“That is okay.” He rose with her. “I can at least handle that.”
A soft laugh escaped me. “Okay.”
I watched him round the corner and disappear. When I heard his heavy steps lumbering up the stairs, I slouched back on the recliner and replayed our conversation in my head.
He was finally opening up to me.
This was a good thing ... but also triggering.
I missed my dadso much. I’d have done anything just to speak to him again, at least one more time. And Lew ... man, that was a tough loss too.
Lew was so young, and Davina was so in love with him. Every Christmas, he’d give me these silly gifts. Socks with butts on them, shirts with sayings on them likeThou shall not try meorSarcasm is my second language. And with those silly gifts, he’d add in a romance book or a bookstore gift card.
I understood why it was so hard for Davina to move on from him. And I could understand why Javier always had his guard up. He had lost so much of his peace. He had lost awife, but he couldn’t do what Davina was able to do.
He couldn’t stay in his house or in his bed and cry the days away. He couldn’t hide from the world and shut everyone and everything out for weeks. He had a child that depended on him, which meant he had to wake upevery single dayand find just enough strength within himself to keep going for her.
I couldn’t imagine how hard that was to do—not taking the time to be selfish or to wallow, all because someone quite literallyneedsyou to survive. With the sacrifices he had made for Aleesa ... I could only imagine how he truly felt inside after doing this alone.
So focused on my own feelings, I hadn’t really thought of it that way until now.
I realized my sister was right. I needed to take it easy on him because he wasn’t grumpy and standoffish for no reason.
He was just a man trying his best while coping with grief.
Nine
Javier
