I felt no pressures while roaming the streets of Disney. And getting one-on-one time with Octavia was a true gift. I loved being with her. With her around, life felt whole and right. Yes, it was still hard, but having a woman like her made processing it so much easier.
Sometimes I expected the ball to drop with her. I feared that one day she’d wake up and realize she did not have to deal with the things I was going through. That she’d pack up her belongings, give me notice, and walk right out the door. Or worse, that she would find another man, just like Eloise did, and want him more than me.
That was my insecurity talking, but it was true. It was a fear I could not ignore.
But, like I’d told her, that was because I lacked trust in many people. That was something I was working on, though. Octavia suggested that I try speaking to a therapist. I was not quite ready to do that yet, but she was right. Plus, it would be worth the shot if it meant I could find peace within myself.
It shocked me that I could feel so content with her and Aleesa around, yet when I was alone and my mind ran in circles, I hated myself for all the mistakes I’d made. I hated myself for not being a better husband. I regretted accepting the offer to join the Ravens and moving to an entirely different country. Perhaps if I had stayed in Argentina, Eloise never would have felt so alone.
But life works the way it’s supposed to, and Eloise’s path had already been paved. So had mine. We are not thrown things we cannot handle in this life, and though the issues I had faced had tested me, they had also brought me strength.
I sipped coffee on my deck as I stared at the towering trees in the distance. It was six in the morning, and Octavia and Aleesa were inside sleeping. I was tired, but I could not stop my mind from racing.
We were back home now, and that meant facing reality. The judge’s ruling would come in any day now, and I was terrified of the results.
Not only that, but there also were people popping into Element searching for me. They wanted to snap pictures and capture anything they could. Deke and I had to up the security so our members felt safe.
It was a shame how low people could go. Someone had found out that Aleesa had dance every Wednesday, and they’d waltzed right in and bombarded her instructor with questions. I’d apologized profusely for it, but that had not prevented the shame I felt.
This was why I hated the idea of fame. Average people put other average people on pedestals and expect them to be gods, but as soon as that person stumbles or falls, they are ready to eat them alive like wolves. They are ready to tear that person to shreds for not being perfect or living a perfect life.
This was also why I hated social media and had hired someone to handle it for me. There was nothing good for me there. I enjoyed living in the moment and worrying about my own life and issues. I did not have time to absorb other’s problems and comment with sad or happy emojis.
My phone buzzed on the glass table next to me, and I gave it a glance.
Catalina.
I answered with a sigh. “Hello, sis.”
“Hola, brother. Am I calling you too early?”
“No. You know I am usually up around this time anyway. You are not, though. Why are you awake?”
“I don’t know.” She sighed, sounding slightly defeated. “I’m working on this piece that I want to finish for an art show next week, but I feel creatively blocked.”
“Hmm.” I took a slow sip of coffee. “Because of my issues?”
“They are not justyourissues, you know? She is my niece, and you are my only sibling. This matters to me and Mamá.”
“I know.”
“And I guess I just wanted to hear your voice. Make sure you were okay.”
I smiled. My sister loved pretending to be tough, but inside she was as gooey as a roasted marshmallow. I suppose I was the same way. It was something we had in common, only because of our upbringing.
“I am okay, Cat,” I told her.
“Good.”
I placed my coffee mug down. “You know, I have never properly thanked you for always being there for me.”
“Please,” she muttered. “You don’t have to thank me for anything.”
“Yes, Catalina, I do.” I sat forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “When I lost Eloise, I sort of lost myself. You know that. And at the time, I felt like I was just surviving with Aleesa until she was old enough to sort of do things on her own. I got lost in fatherhood, in trying to be the perfect dad. I took so many things for granted with you and Mamá. But I am thankful for you both. Because had it not been for you two, I know I would not have survived.”
My sister was quiet for a while. Then I heard a sniffle. “Javier, you know it is too early for this sentimental shit, right?”
A laugh burst out of me. “Lo siento. I have a habit of being sentimental in the mornings.”
