“No,” I muttered.
I would not cry. Not over this.
I started the ignition, and once my hands stopped shaking, I left the parking lot. But I didn’t go home. I went to a place I hadn’t been to in a very long time.
After parking and climbing out of the car, I made my way through the cemetery and didn’t stop until I reached Eloise’s grave.
Her headstone read:
Eloise Liliana Gotera Valdez
Loving Mother, Wife, Daughter, and Friend
1989–2019
There were no flowers for her—only dead leaves and weeds. Her grave had been neglected, and guilt punched me straight in the gut.
I lowered to a squat, and because I could no longer hold back my tears, I dropped my face into my hands and released them.
“I do not know what to do, Ellie.” I raked my fingers through my hair, studying the name carved into her headstone. “I have done everything right by Aleesa. I take care of her. I protect her. I love her so much, but now he might get her, and that is not fair to me.”
I was in too much pain to rant in English anymore. It all came spewing out and translated to: “Why could you not just love me? What was so bad about me that you ran to him? You hurt me so bad, but I forgave you because you gave me our perfect little girl. You made her mine, and I thought I would be able to hold on to that forever ... but now he will probably take her too. I deserved better. I deserved better! Iknow I am not perfect, but I did, Ellie. I deserved so much better than what you gave me.”
A guttural sob left me as a deep ache settled below my ribs.
Silence wrapped around me. Wind caused the leaves to rustle, and cars drove by in the distance. Birds landed on branches, mindless survivors. It was all so calm, so peaceful ... and yet my sadness morphed to anger.
This was why I was so mad at the world. People claimed I was grumpy and hard to deal with—that they did not understand me.Thiswas why.
How was any of this fair? Even from the start of my life.
It was not fair that my father had left me, my mother, and my sister when I was only eight years old.
It was not fair that my wife had lost so much love for me, despite my efforts.
It was not fair that I’d had to assume all responsibility when she passed away.
It was not fair that I’d had to become a single father, and not by choice.
It was not fair that, after I’d embraced the role and loved Aleesa more than anyone or anything in this world, she could now be claimed by someone else—a man that Ihatedand a man who didnotdeserve being around her precious soul.
Footsteps sounded behind me, and I peered over my shoulder.
Shock hit me when I saw Octavia and Aleesa approaching. I swiped my tears away and stood up as they walked in my direction. Octavia’s brown eyes were soft but sad. Aleesa was smiling at first, but when she saw my state, her smile drooped.
She tugged her hand out of Octavia’s and trotted to me. I lowered down so I could catch her. I held her in my arms—I held on for dear life.
“Mi niña,” I whispered, smoothing her hair back. “I love you so much.So, somuch.”
Aleesa tightened her arms around my neck, holding on for a few seconds before releasing me and leaning back so she could see my face.
She was smiling again. She ran a hand over my cheek, rubbing a tear away. “No be sad, Daddy.”
I smiled back, then kissed her cheek.
I faced Octavia next, hating that she was seeing me like this. So weak, pathetic, and broken. She stood a few steps away, wringing her fingers in front of her.
“Sorry if we interrupted,” she apologized.
