I throw a weak wave over my shoulder without looking back. I am on a mission to get away from everyone. As soon as I am out in the hallway, I already feel a bit better. I continue walking toward where the restrooms are located even though I don’t need to use the facilities.
”Shit,” I murmur to myself when the bottom of my shoe gets caught in the carpet and I about go headfirst into the wall.
As I walk by a small sitting area, I decide that it’s a good enough spot for me to regroup. I wipe my sweaty hands on the dark dress pants I have on, too late realizing that it might leave marks on the material. I pace the floor a couple of times before finally dropping into one of the chairs. It’s way more comfortable than the one at my desk, and I drop my head back with a sigh.
I’ve never lost focus like while at work. Sleeping with Alex when he showed up at my door was a huge mistake. I knew it from the second I pulled him into the apartment, but I just couldn’t help myself. And that’s the problem when it comes to him. I always tell myself that I am done, and that I’ll never let him into my heart again. Th issue arises when he never truly leaves, so then how can I turn him away?
”You’re so pitiful,” I tell myself since I don’t have anyone else to discuss the situation with.
I guess I could call Elizabeth. She would listen and give me some advice. But she is so in love with her boyfriend, especially now that things are going well for the two of them, that she looksat everything through rose-colored lenses. She would think it’s very romantic that Alex showed up with the chocolate cake I didn’t get to eat when at the restaurant.
And, damn it, it didn’t taste like it’d been sitting for a couple of days, which can only mean that he went back to the restaurant to buy a fresh piece.
If that’s not romantic, what is?
“Ahhhh!” I drop my head down and dig my hands into my hair.
I never had some grand plan for where I wanted my life to go once I reached adulthood, but I never imagined that it would be this complicated when it came to having a decent relationship.
Everyone I know is committed to a partner who cherishes the ground they walk on. It’s just me who had to fall in love with the one guy who won’t commit to me, but who also won’t let me go. He plays these games with my head, and I let him.
”God, I’m so stupid!” It’s the only viable conclusion.
Blindly patting for my phone, I pull it out of the pocket of the blazer I am wearing. I unlock it and open theHolidatesapp, my need to have a date for this party even stronger now. I absolutely have to prove to Alex that he means to me as much as I mean to him, which is nothing.I can play his games, too, I tell myself as I type on the phone with shaky hands.
The frustration I feel when I see that I don’t have any new messages in the app is off the charts. I don’t understand this. The one guy I thought would be a good fit is completely ghosting me now, and the ones I blew off before never came back.
I guess this means I have to take matters into my own hands and be the one reaching out first to others. My shoulders feel stiff and ache when I push them back, hoping that it would give my back some relief.
I frantically scroll through pages full of possible dates, and it’s a bit overwhelming. I go back to the filters to narrow it downsome. When it asks for how far I am willing to travel, I have to remind myself that I can barely afford to travel across town, let alone across the state, or, God forbid, go to another state.
Nerves get to me, and my thumb taps unwillingly on the first profile on the page I am currently on before my brain catches on that I need to save the filters.
The picture that pops up gives me pause. The man in it stares back at me with such intensity, it’s like he can see straight into my soul. He doesn’t smile, and he reminds me of Alex in that way, especially as of late.
I am just about to back out and resume my search, when my eyes skim over his profile. Two things catch my attention. He mentions New York, and he states that he will pay for the other person’s travel expenses to Boston. A quick scroll up confirms that’s where he’s located.
”This is too good to be true,” I mutter under my breath as I continue reading. The best part is that he doesn’t even need someone as a fake date until after the winter holidays.
I hurry up and tap on the button that opens a message to him. With short and rushed sentences, I explain what I need a date for.
”I cannot afford to travel.” I mutter the words as I type. “Please confirm that you will cover any travel related expenses from New York City to Boston.”
My chest hurts a little when I tapSend. Just like when I initially set up theHolidatesaccount, guilt threatens to trap my airways. It feels like cheating, which is absolutely ridiculous. I can’t be cheating on Alex when we’re not together. In hindsight, I realize that we were never together like that anyway.
I put the phone away and shake my hands a little to relax them. When I stand up from the chair, I lose my balance but catch myself.
”Oh my God, youaresick!”
A puff of sanitizing spray hits me right in the face, and I start coughing.
”Stop it,” I yell at Laura. She seems to be on a mission to not only kill whatever germs and diseases she thinks I carry, but also me.
“Go home,” she yells back. “I’ll give you hours for this weekend to make up for this, just go away!”
I hold my hands over my mouth and eyes so that I don’t inhale the fumes from the spray. We both end up having to take a couple of steps back to get away from the cloud of chemically charged lavender smell surrounding us.
”Eww, this is terrible,” Laura complains. “It’s on my taste buds now.” She sticks her tongue out like she wants to show me.
