Everything inside of me shrivels up and dies in an instant.
“That was not my intention,” I manage to say. “I will do everything in my power to make sure you’re happy going forward.” I pause for a moment. “Even if it is with someone else.”
Her head comes up so abruptly, it causes me to take a step back.
“What about you?” she whispers. “Do you want to be happy with someone else?”
Her words slice through whatever is left of my heart.
“I’m not the type of person who can be happy.” It’s a lie that I recognize only now that I found love. “It’s a good thing that you were able to move on.”
I wince at my own monotone voice. I sound like an absolute asshole. One who is not capable of feeling.
“What makes you think I have moved on, Alex?”
It surprises me that she even has to ask. “The presence of a date made it obvious.”
She watches me thoughtfully before sealing my fate.
“Yes, I suppose it does.”
THIRTY-ONE
Mona
Dear Mona,
I never started a note like this in my life. It’s weird, but it fits like a glove when it comes to everything I feel about you.
The last four years have been a rollercoaster. I put us on that rollercoaster, and I never even tried to take us off. I never realized all the harm I was doing to you with my behavior. I guess you could say that I needed a swift kick in the ass. You completely cutting me off shifted my focus from me to everything that I love about you.
From the first time we came together, it felt like I was on a continuous high. And I didn’t want to get sober. It scared me so much that I chose to hurt you rather than confess to my feelings. I chose to do that over and over again, knowing that I was taking you for granted, and that there would come a time when you’d be done with me for good.
I thought I’d be ready for when that time came. I didn’t expect it to feel like a stab to the heart. It’s a self-inflicted wound that will never heal because I will never allow it to heal.
I want you to be happy and to have the life you deserve, one full of love and happiness with someone who appreciates you for the amazing woman that you are. I want that someone to be me with every fiber in my body and soul. And I want you to know that if at any time into the future, you want to reach out to me, I will always be there for you. I don’t care if it’ll be tomorrow or in a year, five or fifty from now. I will always be there for you in all the ways that you will need me to.
I love you.
I will never stop loving you.
Never.
Alex
I read the note from Alex so many times, the words started to become blurry and blended together. I drove myself crazy analyzing the tone of the message, any underlining currents, everything else that might have a double meaning.
At some point during the night, I accepted it for what it was. An apology wrapped in a declaration of love. Something I never imagined I’d receive from him. The fact that the name on the account had changed to Alexander Julian Lewis added a new layer of missing him.
I went over what Kyle told me about Alex’s childhood and family history. My heart ached for the little boy he used to be, and, coupled with the message he sent me, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t care about Alex’s behavior up until this point. I believed in redemption and second chances, and I wanted to give him another chance.
There would always be the risk of him hurting me again, but that could happen with anyone else I’d choose to date. I’d ratherbe loved and hurt by Alex Connors than allow another man in my life.
Now, as I stare at his handsome face, all I see is anguish etched onto his features. He thinks this is goodbye.
My eyes drop back to the glass dome sitting on the table. Inside of it is the rose he gave me. I had every intention of saving it myself, but then, on our way back into the city, I was so mad at him that I forgot it in his car.
But he saved it… He… saved it.
