“A licensed, qualified professional,” Giant assured me with that warm, syrupy voice again. The bedside manner personified.“She knew exactly what she was doing, and you’re going to make a full recovery.”
But there was a wince in his eye where it squished against his eyebrow, and I knew the look of a man keeping secrets when I saw one. The machine I was hooked up to went crazy again, and I whipped around, teeth bared.
“Get me off this fucking thing,” I spat.
“It’s there for your—”
“I don’t give a shit. Unhook me, or I’ll start ripping out wires.” I’d leave the tube attached, though. I knew that was where the pain drugs came from, and they were blissful. I almost,almostfelt like a normal person with them in my system.
“Alright, alright,” Giant huffed, almost matronly as he bustled over, giving me a look of severe disapproval. He pointed out the wires hooked up to sensors on my chest and made sure I was okay with him touching me before he removed them, and then there was blissful silence.
Blissful silence and Giant’s loud worry, the hesitation coming off him in waves, and that goddamn wince.
“Just tell me,” I forced through gritted teeth. “Whatever it is.”
“It’s better if you hear it from Ndidi—”
“Tell me,”I snapped. “I can handle it.”
Giant slumped back onto his chair with a sigh, looking like he was going to clasp my hand in his before he realised that would get him bodily harmed. “I don’t know the nuances and details,” he began. “I’m an army medic; I’m used to patching people up on battlefields, not…”
“Vaginas?”
The smile when it reached his eyes was sad. I tensed, my shoulders by my ears. “The damage was so extensive that… some of it was irreversible. I know the surgeon did her best but—”
“Giant,” I barked, my breathing racing, hands sweating inside the bandages.
“Jane,” he said gently, then corrected, “Lynn. I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to have children.”
I blinked. Felt the impact like a gunshot to the chest. “Ever?”
Giant shook his head. Those sad eyes made me want to scream.
No children, ever. A laugh bubbled up and burst free, rattling around the room.
I was going to name my first daughter Linda, my mum’s name. All firstborn daughters in our family carried the name. My grandma had been Belinda, and I was Lynn. But I was never going to have a daughter, never going to have a single child.
Of course not. Why would I expect otherwise when the world had consistently, and relentlessly, shafted me up the ass?
I swallowed the lump in my throat, blinking back tears, refusing to let them fall.
“Ndidi can tell you more, let me get her on the phone for you,” Giant offered, so fucking kind. It scratched my skin like razorblades, made me want to scream and tear apart his pristine fucking room.
I ripped the needle from my hand, and swung my legs over the side of the bed, not even caring if the pain returned. I could handle that. I knew what to do with pain. But this? This grenade blasting my insides apart, leaving only shredded flesh and pulp behind… I didn’t know how to handle it. Couldn’t.
No children, ever. Alone, forever. No family. No one. Just me, and the pain, and the darkness in my head. Forever until eternity.
The darkness swelled until I was sure another grenade would go off, but this time blast my brain to bits until there were no thoughts and sense left, just… just this ache. This pain. This—I didn’t want to name it. Didn’t want to be fucking here anymore.
This was it—my limit.
5
Lynn
“Whoa, Lynn,” Giant said in a rush of panic. “You’re not supposed to be walking yet; you risk ripping your stitches.”
“Don’t care,” I said in a dead voice, limping towards the door. I couldfeelthe stitches, and I wanted to scream. The darkness rose, swelled, crashing like a wave over my head. I could smell the barn now. Could hear the endless cries, the smack of flesh into flesh, the grunts of satisfaction, the growls, the sick purrs, the taunts that branded their laughter into my skin.
