“You have this look in your eyes, son. A look that mirrored my own when I came back. And in it I can see a man who has tried to swallow the bullet one too many fucking times.” His words, as raw and as true as they are to hear slice me open. And they’re also fucking terrifying. I have spent all these years wearing a mask, acting like I have my shit together, and this man sees right through it.
And it makes me feel like a god damned failure.
I didn’t just fail in combat, I’m failing in life, too.
I’m one big massive fucking disappointment. Ever since I let my brothers down I can’t name of one thing that I’ve done right.
It’s like I keep digging this hole for myself and instead of trying to find a way out I keep digging further.
“You’re proud. Stubborn. It’s what made you a great Marine. But a piece of advice, son, from someone who has been where you are and who has felt what you felt, you have to let that go to be that great person you were before. Otherwise that hole you’ve been digging for yourself will become home. You hear me?” There’s a sincerity in his voice and genuineness in his eyes that causes my eyes to brim with unshed tears.
“How would you know if I was a great person before?” I asked choked up.
He sympathetically smiles. “Because the battle you fought wouldn’t have affected you if you weren’t. I’ve seen many of soldiers die not in battle but because of it. Don’t go down the same path.”
Oh fuck.
I feel every atom exploding inside me as my heart beat quickens at an alarming rate. My tongue feels like lead in my mouth and I swear to fucking god breathing is becoming impossible.
His hand on my shoulder grows firm, and it’s then I realize because he’s trying to act as an anchor. Trying to make sure I don’t sail away into sea only to drown in its dark depths.
I blink pass the tears that have overstayed their welcome and flow like a riverbank down my cheeks.
“Deep breaths, son,” he orders and I take in a large ragged breath and let it out. “Take another. Take all the breaths you need until you no longer feel the sand filling your lungs,” he encourages me. And I do just that. I stare at him with wide glassyfrightened eyes and keep breathing until my heart rate returns to an even pace. Once I feel that my heart is no longer going to burst out of my chest my breaths come in steadier. The air no longer burns my lungs.
Jerry smiles at me and pats me softly on the shoulder. “You’re alright, son.”
As he takes a step to give me space out of respect I wipe away the tears with the palm of my hand.
I can’t even look him in the damn eye.
“You know the hardest part is admitting you need help. There’s no shame in that, Oak. Talking to people, letting them in, it all helps.”
“It’s a lot easier said than done,” I reply gruffly, my voice still hoarse from the tears.
He nods his head. “Nothing in life that is worth it comes easy. You fought for your country, now it’s time to fight for yourself.”
“I’m fighting everyday.” My voice sounds strangled.
“And you will keep fighting until you have the life that you think isn’t possible. I’m not saying you are going to be completely healed, Oak, none of us are. I’m saying if you keep fighting for yourself you’ll have that future you’re denying yourself. And it starts by letting the right people in. So tell me, Oak, who are you going to let in?”
Gracie Mae
Fantasy was busy.
Which was great for me because I ended up making more on the stage then I would've as being a barmaid.
I got off at one in the morning and the drive from the strip club to the new home is about twenty minutes. Not bad but after a late night I can feel the heaviness in my eyes.
Honestly, all I want now is a nice hot shower and to snuggle up in the awesome four poster bed Vipers MC gifted me. When I saw it I nearly freaked because I had never once owned a bed that big or beautiful. The queen sized four poster bed mainly takes up the master bedroom but I don't care. It's too comfortable to ever part with.
As I make the final turn in the neighborhood that leads to my street I'm already imagining myself cuddled in blankets.
But as I come to my driveway my headlights flash on a way too familiar Harley Davidson motorcycle.
My heart beats fast like a humming birds wings. I blink my eyes a couple of times to make sure what I am saying isn't an illusion, but after slowly pulling in my driveway I come parked behind the beautiful gauntlet grey metallic bike.
Suddenly wide awake I turn off my car, grab my purse, and shut the door behind me before locking it up.
