“And what drew you to that conclusion so fast?”
“Because you were blind about all of it. Blind because of your rage. Blind because of your demons. Blind because you chose to be. You thought you were right and didn’t want to see the opposing side. But I see everything, Snake. I see my faults, my flaws, my fucking sins. I see the man I try to hide from everyone. And I also see how this will end if I finally give in.” I steal another tumbler filled with hard liquor from the waitress as she walks by us. I knock the contents back in one swallow. Whiskey. I can onlytell by the taste because this time I don’t feel the familiar burn that follows.
“You see how this will end,” Snake mocks me. “When did you become a fortune teller? Can you spare your crystal ball on me next?”
I stalk towards him as he wears a cocky grin. My face is stoic as my eyes are as hard as glaciers.With a voice that is lethally calm I threaten him lowly, “Mock me again and it will be your face that will be the spectacle of laughter tonight.”
Snake straightens his spine and by doing so it broadens his chest. His eyes as dark as the midnight sky stare up at me unafraid.“You’re the spectacle of laughter tonight, Oak. As you should be, letting other men touch what isn’t theirs.”
I sneer down at him. The fire that was coursing in my veins turns to ice.
But as much as I want to kill him in this very second I know I’ll never be able to do it.
At then end of the day we are brothers.
Doesn’t mean I don’t want to knock him to ground and sew his mouth shut.
Because tonight there’s too much truth he’s letting out into existence and I don’t know how to dispel it.
“You say that I was insufferably stubborn because I was blind but you’re exactly the same,” he spits out.
“Did you not hear what I just said?”
He scoffs. “Yeah, you’re all seeing bullshit,” he air quotes. “But you’re just as blind as I was.”
I puff my chest, crowding him. “And how is that, fucker?”
His darkened eyes stare up at me with fire blazing in them. They’re wide with an intensity that would be unnerving if I was a different type of man. “You’re blind because of your guilt. Because your brothers died on a mission you led and you believe you’re to blame. You’re blind because you choose to live each daypunishing yourself because you survived and they didn’t. You’re blind because of your grief, Oak. You have a choice but you’re blinded by your past to see it. You can choose her. Choose to be happy. Choose to fucking live. But you won’t because you’re insufferably stubborn and too blind to see what’s in front of you.”
“You don’t think I see that?” My voice doesn’t rise but it’s rough with a hard bite. “I see all of that. That’s the problem. That’s always the fucking problem. I don’t know how to live without punishing myself. I don’t know how to wake up without feeling guilt. And I don’t know how to move on when they can’t. This guilt I feel, this punishment I endure, this grief I suffer, it’s what I deserve.”
“Says who!?” Snake explodes. “Who says you have to deserve any of that?!”
“I do!” I snap at him. I can feel myself starting to unhinge and I hate it. I was trained to be calm and collected under pressure. To form into a diamond, not to fucking crumble. “It’s what’s fair.”
He shakes his head. “That’s not fair, Oak. What you’re doing is torturing yourself. And if you don’t stop you will die one day. The mind can only handle so much before it snaps.”
I swallow. “I don’t know any other way. I don’t know how to live any other way.”
“Then let her teach you. She’ll show you that life is worth living again. She’ll make you happy. You can find peace with her. Isn’t that what you want?”
Glancing away from him my jaw ticks.
Of course that’s what I want. I want nothing more than that.
“Oak, tell me you want that. I fucking worry about you. All the time I fucking wonder if you’ll lose the war inside your head and I’ll never see you again,” he confesses to me with avulnerability he rarely shows to anyone. I look back at him and see the concern drowning in his eyes.
“I do want that, Snake but-”
“But what?”
I sigh heavily, my shoulders slumping with defeat. Lowering my guard I confess to him something I never have before. “I’ll be betraying them if I do.”
Snake’s eyes soften. He lays a hand on my shoulder and gives me a tough squeeze. Looking me directly in the eyes he says, “You’re only betraying yourself. If they were anything like you say they were they would want you to be happy. They wouldn’t want you to suffer.”
“Yeah but they did.” My voice is pained.
“But it doesn’t mean that you have to. You survived, Oak. It’s about time you start living again.” He gives me one last reaffirming squeeze before letting me go.
