Mentally unfit if I recall. Too unstable to continue my tour. I would be sent home where the fight would be over. Where I could become whole again.
They said the war was over. Promised me my days of fighting were long before me. I could finally rest, they said. Sleep without having one eye open.
Except they lied.
Because I have been fighting harder and harder every god damned day fucking since.
And fuck it, I’m exhausted.
I know what’s inside the drawer of my nightstand.
I know what will happen if I hold the cold metal in my hands.
Is that what I really want?
To end this guilt?
To end this pain I bestow upon myself because no amount I endure will ever be enough.
It will all be over, won’t it?
Will I then finally find the rest they promised me? Will I then finally be at peace?
I blindly reach for my nightstand, keeping my back to it so I don’t see the picture of Nora and me.
After fumbling fingers I grip the edge of the nightstand. It’s just in the drawer. Right in my grasp. So close.
Squeezing my eyes shut more tears manage to come out.
And then I go for the piece of metal to save me from all of this.
Except my fingers don’t go for the drawer. They go for the piece of metal on top of my nightstand.
I grasp my phone in my hands with a death grip.
Through blurry eyes and with shaky fingers I unlock my phone and go to my voicemails.
I see her name through the mist of my eyes and with a ragged breath I press play.
“It’s me, Grace, well really Gracie Mae until I hear back from you. It’s almost been a month since I’ve heard from you. God that makes me sound clingy, I’m not, I swear,” she rushes intothe phone. Hearing her voice immediately has a profound effect on me. I begin to calm, if only a fraction so I can hear what she says next. “It’s just I haven’t seen you or heard from you and it has me worried about you. Is everything okay?” She pauses and then continues, “Are you okay?” She pauses again and I hear her breathe through the phone. “Whatever it is, Oak, whatever it is that has made you distant you can talk to me about it. Anytime, anywhere I’ll be there for you, always.” My heartstrings pull in all directions as my heart clenches, stealing my breath. “I, uh, I guess I better go.” I hear her swallow. Her voice returns through the phone but it’s shaky. “I’m here, Oak. I’ll always be here.” The voicemail ends and newfound tears trail down my face.
Gracie Mae, my own light and savior and she doesn’t even fucking know it.
I sit on the floor with my phone in my hand staring down at her contact.
Anytime, anywhere, is what she said.
Glancing at the top left of my screen it reads that it’s quarter to four in the morning.
I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. I have no right. And what a hypocrite I would be.
But I’m tired. I’m tired of this fight. I’m tired of this war in my head.
And I need her.
Despite everything telling me otherwise I press the call button and bring the phone to my ear.
As it rings while I wait for her to answer it feels like hours.
