“What’s giving me away?”
“You get in a distant stare, man.”
My brows furrow. “How is that different from any other day?”
“Because your eyes are dead, Oak.”Fuck. “There isn’t anything there.”
“That’s not true,” I argue but it even sounds weak to my own ears.
Snake stops and puts his hand on my shoulder firmly. He isn’t a small guy by no means, but his size is no match for mine. Snake is built like a lean muscled lethal street fighter. Quick on his feet and agile with his body. Though he’s over six foot that means nothing to my nearly seven-foot frame.
I’m named Oak for a reason. I’m as big as I am broad. Men are immediately threatened by my sheer size and if they’re notmy closed fist gives them reason to be. One heavy hand square to the jaw has them knocked the fuck out.
His hazel eyes darken as he meets mine seriously. The grip on my shoulder intensifying. “You are going to realize that one day there is a reason you survived.” His words are bullets piercing through my chest. “And when you make peace with it you are going to look back on all the years you wasted drowning in guilt. You have to start living, Oak. Because as much as you have wished for it you didn’t die with them.”
I don’t reply to him. I don’t give him any inclination that inside I’m being torn to fucking shreds. That I’m losing another battle. I don’t let him see any of that. Instead, I wear a stoic expression, one that I’m famous for.
Snake shakes his head, disappointment shinning in his eyes. It’s okay, I become a little more disappointed in myself every day. Nothing I’m not used to at this point. “You know she always asks about you.” At that my heart kicks in my chest. “And I always tell her the same fucking thing.”
Nowthatgets a reaction out of me.Thatmakes me respond. “That is?”
“That you’re a good man and eventually you’ll come around,” he tells me. Then he sighs heavily. “But after what I’ve seen these past two months, I’m not sure that’s what you want anymore.”
Fuck.
A bomb goes off in my chest and wracks my entire body.
To anyone who has ever said that words can’t hurt you are fucking liars. Because standing here hearing the harsh truth that I can’t deny come out of Snake’s lips hurts worse than any hit I’ve ever taken.
My heart feels like it’s in my throat and my next words are difficult to speak. Maybe more so because I know what I am about to say is a bold face fucking lie. And I hate nothing morethan lying to one of the best men that I know. “I’m fine.” God, it feels like I am betraying him.
He laughs bleakly. It causes my body to stiffen. “You’re not fine. You haven’t been for as long as I’ve known you.”
“Snake-”
“Don’t try and lie to me again,” he warns me. My mouth immediately snaps shut. “I’ve been putting this off because of my recovery but you need help.”
At that I go to interrupt him, but he silences me once again. “You do. Let us help you, Oak.”
“I’m fine.”
“I wish you were because if that was the case you wouldn’t be pushing away people who care. Especially her.”
As he walks away I take in the defeat of another battle.
He doesn’t understand. I’ve been at war. I know what happens there. No one wins.
I was responsible for five men’s deaths. I led them through the mission. I should have died with them.
The war I’m facing now I refuse to make the same fatal mistake. I’m not taking anyone down with me and that includes the sweet innocent, Gracie Mae.
As much as my heart wants to sway on the matter, I can’t let her get any closer.
I’ll only be her downfall.
And that’s something I know I’ll never recover from.
So, I’ll keep my distance despite everything telling me to run towards her.
