My woman.
Her pulse is weak, barely there. Blood and swelling marring her beautiful features. Her body is dead weight in my arms. And it’s tearing me apart how there’s barely a response.
I charge the ER with a vengeance. Nurses and doctors alike come swarming to me when they take notice of the fatal situation.
“You need to save her.” My voice sounds like sandpaper but it’s filled with a maddening urgency. “I swear to fucking god if you don’t save her I’ll make all of you fucking wish you were dead.” My declaration is more of a desperate plea.
An older woman nurse followed by a younger male come running down with a stretcher. The male tries to pry her from my arms but I send him a lethal glare and protectively hold her closer to my chest.
The older woman takes on a soft tone with measured eyes. “If we don’t put her on a stretcher, honey, then we won’t be able to save her. And that’s what you want, yes? Otherwise you wouldn’t have threatened to kill us?”
All I can feel is Grace in my arms. All I can hear is the blood roaring in my veins, my heart pounding viciously. My eyes stay on Grace. I can’t look away from her. Fuck, I’m afraid if I do it’ll be the last time.
A sob claws it’s way up my throat but I swallow it the fuck down.
Tears burn as they flow down my face. “I don’t want to let go of her,” I choke out. It’s the fear, the same fear I had ten years ago with my brothers but a million times worse.
“I know, I know you don’t,” the nurse says to me softly but with an imploring look continues, “but if she has any chance of survival we need to take her now. And I need you to let us take her. She’ll be in good hands.”
I swallow roughly, and begrudgingly I lower Grace down on the stretcher as gently as possible. Once she’s laid out on the stretcher, her blood beginning to stain the white sheets, I press the most tender kiss to her bruised and torn skin.
Then, to the shell of her ear, I whisper, “I love you, baby. Come back to me.”
My heart goes with her as the nurses and doctors pull her away from me, rushing her down the hallway to the OR where I’m left here to wonder what will become of her.
With nothing left of me to give my legs give out from underneath of me. My shoulders cave inwards, heavy with despair my head falls forward. And my entire body shudders as if a tsunami has crashed over me.
And I feel it all over again.
The failure.
I’ve failed Grace.
I fucking failed her.
I failed Connor, the young boy who had just gained happiness and security with his sister.
Failure.
It’s what I do best.
It’s all I fucking know.
Misery eats me alive as guilt pricks away at my soul.
My lungs begin to burn as I try to inhale air through my nostrils. Black spots dance before my eyes as everything becomes a blur. My fingers twitch uncontrollably by my sides as pain ricochets through my chest.
In what sounds like the great distance, as if I hear the voice coming from the end of a tunnel, I hear a man shout, “He’s having a panic attack!”
My throat constricts, as if someone has a vice grip wrapped around my neck, as I try to draw in more air. I begin to claw at my throat but it only makes matters worse. With my tongue feeling like lead, my mouth gone impossibly dry, I feel as if I’m going out of my fucking mind.
I feel trapped within my own skin, wanting to break free but not knowing how.
A calm yet stern voice tries to reach me. “I need you to take deep breaths. One deep breath in, followed by one deep breath out. Can you do that for me?”
It seems like such a simple command but I’m finding it to be the most complex thing I have ever heard. I try to take a breath but I only end up coughing instead.
Hands find purchase on my shoulders and his voice seems closer. “Come on, man, I know you can do it,” he encourages me. “One deep breath in.” He then takes a deep breath in that I follow shakily. “Now, take that deep breath out.” I do as he says, the exhale just as shaky as the inhale. “Good, that’s good,” he praises me. “Keep it up until you feel yourself coming back.” And I do. I keep the measured breaths until I feel myself back in my body once again.
