And no matter how beaten down she is, shield cracked, sword dull, she’ll still find the strength, even with her last breath to continue fighting.
“I think you’re angry,” I choose my words carefully, and I keep my voice as even as I can. “And I think you feel a great amount of pain but I don’t actually think you want your mother dead.”
His eyes harden. “I can’t help but think sometimes that life would be easier if she was.”
I don’t have the right words to say to him because I can’t tell him that what he’s feeling is wrong. He has every right to feel the anger he has towards his mother. He has even more right to feel the pain that I know must cripple him.
“Have you talked about this with your sister?”
He shakes his head, his shaggy hair moving with the motion. “Grace still has hope that mom will be better.”
“And you don’t.”
Connor sighs then, a heavy sigh that slumps his shoulders and peaks the glimpse of frustration he has. “Mom has never been a mother. Not to me. And she doesn’t even try. With anything,” he says bitterly.
Connor holds more resentment than I thought he did.
I honestly believe the real reason Connor hates his mother has nothing do with not being one, but for making his sister suffer all the pain and taking away her childhood.
I ruffle his hair, an act I see Grace do with him often. He smiles and ducks away from me before I can mess it up more.
“You know,” he begins, the smile staying on his face, “I never did thank you.”
My brows furrow. “For what?”
“Everything. You came into our life and brought us peace in the middle of war.”
His words steal the air from my lungs and pull on my frayed heartstrings. My tongue feels heavy in my mouth as emotion lodges itself in my throat. Tears, hot and heavy, burn as they press at the back of my eyes.
“You don’t have to thank me,” I say roughly.
“But I do, and not just because my sis has always told me to tell those what I’m feeling. I’m telling you because I think youneed to hear all the good that you do. I’m telling you because I hope Grace and I bring you peace, too.”
Oh fuck.
I feel as if I’m being torn apart yet being put back together all at once. And it’s almost too much to fucking handle.
A pair of arms wrap around me as his face presses up against my chest. More tears fall from my eyes as I wrap my arms around the little guy.
“You both bring me peace, too. More than you’ll ever know,” I tell him, my voice gruff.
And as I say it, a small part me, although albeit, can’t help but feel guilty as I do.
But that’s the part of me I still have to work on.
“You love her, don’t you?” Connor asks, loosening his arms around me to look me in the eyes. I wipe away the rest of my tears.
“Yeah, I do.”
My love for Grace is something I can’t deny no longer.
I love her so fucking much that my heart aches.
I love her so much that I don’t feel the need to endure the pain I inflicted upon myself.
I love her with my every breath.
She’s the woman I can’t live without.
