“What kind of sick monster enjoys being with another monster? There’s something so, so wrong with me. I’m fucking sick in the head, I’m so demented.”
My chest tightens. My mouth races to catch up to my mind—spewing words until I run out of air. Zadyn slides closer, cupping my cheeks.
“Stop, stop, stop. Breathe.” He grounds me, holding my gaze until the panic subsides and my breath returns.
“There were moments I felt sorry for him. Moments I actually forgot how horrible he really was. Moments he made me…even knowing all the things he’d done, after witnessing him nearly kill Kai day after day, and then I just go and fall into bed with him.”
I bury my face in my palms.
“I don’t expect you or Jace to understand—I don’t even understand.”
“Idounderstand. I understand that whatever happened between you, whatever you did to survive, resulted in a lot of complicated, conflicting emotions. That’s only natural. You are not a monster, Serena. You are not a monster forfeelingthings.”
“Yes, I am! I felt things for my enemy. For a murderer, for my captor!”
“Do you love him?” Zadyn asks, cutting me off. I open my mouth, a bit stunned by the question.
“No—”
“Then there’s nothing to worry about. We’re talking about sex under duress here. It’s all gray area. There is no right or wrong to whatever feelings came with it, even positive ones. Not to mention, he’s a siren—who knows what he could have planted in your head.”
“He never used his magic on me.” I wait for his horrified expression. But it doesn’t come. He just stares at me, his face concerned but unmoving. “Everything I felt, everything I did and even initiated wasreal. I was the one feeling those things, doing those things—oh mygod.”
I’m going to be sick.
“You’re not going to convince me you’re a monster. I don’t care what you initiated, I don’t care what you did and how many times, I don’t fucking care if you liked it. All I care about is that you are safe right now in front of me, and that I can make sure nothing like this ever happens again.”
His fingers thread through my hair, and those brown eyes thaw some of the ice in my veins. I nod as a charged moment passes between us. Then he looks away, easing back from me.
“I understand if you don’t want to be touched right now.”
“I’m okay,” I assure him, glancing at his biceps. There’s nothing quite as comforting as being locked between them.
As if reading my mind, he gives me a reluctant smile and opens his arms. Tucked beneath his chin, his hands linked around my waist, I feel small and warm and safe.
I feel at home.
“I’m sorry I let this happen,” he says. “He’s going to pay for ever hurting you.”
“Please stop apologizing, and just hold me.”
“I can do that.”
His warmth envelops me, and I fall asleep with no more nightmarish interruptions for the remainder of the night.
37
ZADYN
Iwake early to Serena’s steady sighs, each exhale breezing over my bare chest. She’s sprawled out on her belly, half of her body draped over mine, an arm slung around my waist and a thigh hooked over my hip. I’d find it amusing if I wasn’t so damn worried that with the slightest shift in movement, she might wake to find me hard, pressing against her leg.
I ease out of her grasp with glacial slowness, careful not to jostle her. Moving to the bathroom, I splash some cold water on my face, hoping it will cool me down enough to stop the thoughts that flood my mind every time I wake up with her body tangled around mine.
So completely inappropriate.
But as I grab a change of clothes, she rolls onto her back—dark hair fanning out over the pillow—and groans in her sleep. I have to bite my lip and clench my fists.
She’s so fucking perfect.
