But I’m not a better male. I’m not good, and I can’t be what she deserves. Not when my heart is wrecked for another.
Her brows knit together as she studies me. “Please don’t pretend for my sake.”
“I’m not pretending.” I take her hands, staring at the smooth skin, and the absurd diamond on her finger. “I do want you to be happy. I want you to get everything you deserve.”
“But you can’t give it to me. And we both know it.”
I shake my head, frustrated with the way my words are coming out. “Listen, I’ve never been…good at expressing myself. What I’m trying to say is—I’m trying.”
She gives me a sad, sympathetic smile. “If someone has to try that hard to want me, then maybe it isn’t worth trying at all.”
She withdraws her hands. “This doesn’t have to be misery for us. It’s possible for us both to be happy as long as we fulfill our duties and keep up appearances. We can lead separate lives.”
“That isn’t what I want. I just wish?—”
“What? That you didn’t love her? Would that make it easier to be married to someone you don’t want?”
“It isn’t like that. You are—you’re perfect.”
“But I’m not perfect foryou.” Her gaze falls to the floor. “It’s my fault for reading into something that was never there.”
“It was there, believe me it was?—”
“Until Serena came,” she finishes, shaking her head at me like I’m a fool.
I am. I hang my head guiltily, at a loss for words. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. Please understand that.”
“I do, Jace. At least, I’m trying to.” A sad expression mars her beautiful face. “Who wouldn’t take one look at her and fall in love?”
We stare at each other for a prolonged moment. I don’t know what I can say or do to make this any better. Before I can answer my own question, the princess stands and ducks out of the pew.
“Sorscha—” My voice halts her stride. “In two days, I’ll be yours. And I won’t look back. I won’t betray you. I won’t hurt you. I’m sorry if I already did, but I will do my best every single day. I will put in the work, I?—”
I will put her out of my mind forever. Even if it consumes me. For you and for Derek.
“I will do better.”
She leans in and plants a kiss on my cheek. When she pulls back, her lip trembles almost imperceptibly, and she offers me a sad excuse for a smile.
“I know you’ll try.”
* Cue:Glimpse of Usby Joji
73
ZADYN
11 DAYS
Barely over a week left.
And instead of savoring every moment I have with Serena before the shit inevitably hits the fan, here I am, hiding out in the library. Using any excuse I can to avoid confronting the complicated mess I’ve made of our relationship.
I knew it was a bad idea. And yet, I was completely helpless against her. Defenseless.
I can’t run from it any longer. I can’t quell the desperation to be with her. The constant craving.
At times, it’s hard for me to even understand the complexity of my feelings for her. How when I focus, I can feel exactly what she’s feeling. I can feel her joy and sorrow as if they were my own. I can feel her laughter in my bones. I can taste the salt of her tears when she cries.
